Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Blame The Schools


Yup. This about says it all. According to Metro.co.uk, snake owner Sho Lau claims that Po, "...is very tame and one day when I threw a cigarette butt away he went for it and seemed to enjoy having it in his mouth...One thing led to another and before long he was having one cigarette in the morning and another at night...He gets very agitated if I don't have any to spare."

Listen, I don't care if this snake likes to suck one down in the morning. I really don't. But I'm a tad uncomfortable about the trend that this might spark amongst other pets. I, for example, live with a cat. Her name is Girlie and she is an asshole. The last thing I need is for her to start sneaking swigs of my whiskey. It's not like she finds me smoking her catnip. And (true story), we once owned a timid little cat named Guy. His vet prescribed him uppers in an attempt to boost his se;f-defense tendencies. After the company that made the drug was involved in a price gouging scandal, Guy was involved in a class-action lawsuit. He won. We got $200. So clearly there are benefits to letting our animals party as hard as we do. We need well-defined rules in order to weight the pros and cons of this murky subject. For example, what exactly is one to do if they catch their dog raiding their weed stash? You can't very well rub his nose in it. Good thing these scientists are addressing the issue:



Absolute best quote from this video: "Given THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, the spider didn't built a web. It built a hammock, where it lay all day and watched the caffeine spider go."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A Relatively Earnest Post

One summer, back in high school, everything gelled. The right people hung out all the time and had shitloads of fun. Whenever we found ourselves, stoned out of our skulls, drinking champagne in the hot tub, we ritualistically listened to one song over and over. It's no musical masterpiece, but it fills a role that had desperately needed filing. Please enjoy this delightful jingle:

Monday, January 18, 2010

Q: Why Did The Cat Cross The Road?

A: To fucking die.


Catch a load of this crap: Casper the cat, who lived in Devon, England, walked onto the same bus every day from 2005 until yesterday. The precocious little chap became something of a local celebrity, and was beloved by the whole community. But then he decided to kill himself right in front of everyone.


You'd think that after five years of hopping on the same bus every day, Casper knew exactly what was up when it came to dodging traffic. He's with Hemingway, Cobain, Hitler, and all those Jonestown folks now.

Dear David Bowie...

How is it that, after being arrested for possession of weed in Rochester, NY, you looked like a fucking Versaci model with a post-blowjob glow? I mean, look at that hair. Not a single one out of place! Did the Rochester Police Department have a stylist and fluffer on staff?



I have a bunch of friends who have been arrested for weed. They don't look like recently fellated models. They look like jaundiced Phish roadies. Mr. Bowie, WHAT'S YOUR SECRET!?!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Maya Were Right!



For thousands of years the universe was in harmony. But in 2012, as foretold by our South American pals, Alec Baldwin will cosmically ascend out of the field of acting. Suicide pact, anyone?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A Whole Lot More?

When I was young and apparently had a touch of the Downs, Denver the Last Dinosaur was one of my favorite cartoons. Watch this right now:



The show gets a million points for the fucking faceripping theme song, but also suffers some demerits for the songs lyrical content. I'm specifically referring to the refrain, "Denver the last dinosaur, he's my friend and a whole lot more." See how I italicized and emboldened those five words? It's because, when I think about what it means to be "a whole lot more than friends" with someone, I picture sexual penetration. Denver was clearly giving these rad boys the ol' Time Travelin' Repto-Cornhole. Do you think that this complex childhood imprinting is what caused me to experience a turgid erection throughout the entire 129 minutes of The Lost World: Jurassic Park? I swear to god that Parasaurolophus was eyeing me the whole time.

Monday, December 28, 2009

THIS JUST IN: JFK Was a Poonslayer

Check out this newly-released photograph, apparently taken in the mid-1950s, which purportedly shows John "Fingerblast" Kennedy riding in a boat full of naked babes.



This gives new meaning to the old seafarers' adage, "Boat full of fishermen, early to bed. Boat full of babes, shot in the head."