Names. We're each stuck with the same one for pretty much our whole life. And chances are that, at some point during your childhood, your name was mocked. But, it's also likely that, no matter how shitty your name is, there's someone else whose name is just a little more mockable. And, when you meet someone named "Dick Trickle" or "Harry Sack", you can't help but wonder what was wrong with their parents. Well, now that we live in the age of the internet, parents no longer have any excuses. With websites such as BabyNamer.com and BabyNames.com, expecting parents can learn about the drawbacks associated with potential names for their children. Watch and learn...
As an experiment, let's see what they've got for my name, Andrew. First we can swing by BabyNames.com and see what some other Andrews out there look like. It's safe to assume that, with a name that denotes masculinity, we'll be greeted by a band of dashingly handsome ruffians.
Crap! Look at this bunch of jokers. A total douch bag, every one. Except, of course, for that one smooth operator in the lower right. Cool as a cucumber.
But certainly a frickin' sweet name like Andrew will have some top-notch nicknames attached to it. Let's peruse the list provided by BabyNamer.com and see what treats await us...
Banjo! The perfect nickname! Andy 500 is pretty cool, and Neandythal is badass, but Banjo is clearly the winner. Finally, after a lifetime of never having had a cool nickname, I can now pride myself on being good old Banjo. And the best part is, there's clearly no other name to which the moniker "Banjo" can be applied. Unless...
ESTEBAN! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO STEAL THE ONE THING THAT MATTERS TO ME?!?!?!
Ok, Andrew, calm down. Just take your mind off it. Let's look at some names that will sentence their bearers to a lifetime of mockery. That'll make you feel better. How about....Richard!
Are you effing kidding me? Shouldn't there be like, 50 different incarnations of the word "Dick"? But no, there's not a single "Dickweed" or "Dick Blasteroid". Nothing. Ok, I know someone who always gets a raw deal. It's a little fella I like to call "Jesus".
Man, BabyNamer.com is really dropping the ball. Alright, I know one name that just plain sucks so hard that there's gotta be something mean written about it. Let's take a gander at...
Hehe, loser. Some people will always be at the bottom of the pecking order. And, thanks to a motherfucker named Esteban, I seem to be pretty close to the bottom myself. I gotta go. I have a date with my Poindexter. Hopefully this time I won't cry afterwards.
UPDATE
Here are some other terrible names I found at WhitePage.com:
I bet you can find one on Craigslist, Brosephine.
Dude, you are going to be the absolutely most popular person in prison.
I don't even want to know what this guy's dad was like.
Man, this guy's last name just plain sucks. But, you may notice, he's the director of Veterans of Foreign Wars International. That's kind of like appointing Kevin Bin Laden as the new VP of Delta or Dave Wilkes Booth as the President's head of security. Bad call, guys.
Jeez, I haven't seen this many Sandy Beavers since that time a monsoon hit our beach party.
We're getting 12 inches before dawn? Sounds like a normal Friday night to me! ZING!
But seriously folks, drive carefully. Police have put out a warning about a drunken 25-year-old sliding all over the streets of Lenox. If you encounter him, police advise that you make out with him and give him weed.
Since you, faithful reader, are a friend of 413some, my educated guess is that you do not suck. But this is not the case for all people. One of the magical qualities possessed by our world is diversity. This results in everything from the many colors of birds in the sky, to the many kinds of cheap beer at the supermarket ("Budweiser" is German for "carbonated tinkle". "Tecate" means the same thing in Spanish. "Coors", however, derives from an Apache word meaning "the wind of paradise". Go figure), to the many kinds of people we encounter every day. Some of these people are radiant beams of energy. Others are dark and brooding, full of artistic angst. But a lot of people just plain suck. Let's take an analytical look at several categories within this group.
1) Chads
Chads, also known to lay folk as "jocks" or "frat boys', are loud, dumb, and easily provoked into acts of violence. They are difficult to hate, however, due to their impish love of tomfoolery.
Chads feel most at home in the proximity of beer pong tables and Dave Matthews tribute nights. When they stray too far from their natural environments the results can be disastrous. Here are some chads who have no doubt become disoriented, and have found themselves atop a mountain.
Sadly for these chads, they will almost certainly fall victim to the physical inevitability known as "Chad Neck". It develops with age, and will ruin all of their turtleneck shirts.
2) Herbs
To clarify any misunderstandings, when the word "herb" is used to describe a person, the "h" is pronounced. This distinguishes it from its heteronymic counterpart used to describe a plant utilized for its flavoring qualities. You may be more familiar with the verb form of this word, such as is found in the sentence, "Dude, you just got herbed on!" To add to the confusion, "Herb" is also a common male first name. Can you fill in the blanks in the following sentence with the correct words?
"After eating a delicious piece of garlic and *BLANK* chicken and then smoking some *BLANK*, I discovered that that *BLANK* Eugene totally *BLANK* on my mellow by scratching my *BLANK* Alpert & The Tijuana Brass CD. What a dick."*
*Hint - Here are the correct answers. Now all you have to do is fit them into the sentence correctly: Herb Herb Herb Herbed Herb
A herb (as it relates to the subject of this blog post) is kind of like a dick, except more wussy. Picture someone who thinks they're always right even though they're actually always wrong. It's the same person who misses a belt loop on their pants, or who walks out of the bathroom with a string of toilet paper trailing behind them. Total herb. And this segues nicely into...
3) Dicks (see also: "Dickweeds", "Dickheads")
This man is a dick.
Dicks come in all shapes and sizes. What unites them is the quality of unprovoked meanness. Here is an example of a typical conversation one might have with a dick:
You: Good day, kind sir. Dick: Shut your cake hole, faggot! You: Why sir, you seem to have mistaken me for someone else. It is I, your old friendly acquaintance. Dick: *Punches you in the testies* You: *Gently weeps* Dick: Faggot.
As you can see, dicks are all-around unpleasant and should be avoided. The best way to deal with an aggressive dick is by being silent and ignoring them in the hope that they will just go away. Here is how such an interaction might play out:
Dick: Hey butt hole. You suck at being cool, idiot. You: *Silently directs eyes to the floor* Dick: Your grandmother fellated my anus. You: *Throws up mouth a little bit, continues looking at floor* Dick: *Defecates on your little sister* You: *Gently weeps. Tries to gain strength by reciting favorite passages from "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret"* Dick: Faggot.
There is clearly no way to win with these people. Which is why we are lucky to live in a world full of those weak pushovers known as...
4) Wieners
Wieners are the poor, pathetic souls for whom nothing seems to ever work out. They get taunted, bossed around, and rejected, but always seem to come back for more. Are you a wiener? Take the following quiz to find out!
It's friday night, and there's a big party at Raimundo's house. All the popular kids are going to be there. You... a) Are one of the first people to be invited. After all, it's barely a party unless you're there! b) Might stop by and check it out. But only if you feel like it. c) Overhear some people talking about the party, so you timidly attend in order to try to make some friends. But then you spill your Smirnoff Ice on the host's laptop and then fart super loud in front of that really hot girl who's two years older. You wake up in a puddle of your own pee.
Your older brother's favorite things to do while hanging out with you include... a) Playing a vigorous game of basketball. b) Buying a 6-pack and reminiscing about how much mischief you guys got into in middle school. c) Peeing on your face.
For your last birthday, your parents got you... a) An Xbox 360. b) A plane ticket to visit your friends in LA. c) Nothing. They peed on your face.
If you selected answer "c" for any of these questions then, buddy, it's not looking good. Wipe that pee off your face and then get outta here, cause 413some is a wiener-free zone. I guess life just can't work out for all of us.
Oooh. Sorry your name sucks, bro. At least you're not a chad.
I hope this has served to clarify the distinctions between some of the different types of shitty people who seem to lurk behind every corner. If there's a lesson to be taken from this dissection of people who suck, it is that any one of us could have been born a chad, a herb, a dick, or a wiener. There but for the grace of God go I, ya know? So next time some herb is herbing on my buzz I'm gonna look him square in the eye and, with complete compassion, say...
