I Haven't Looked at this Blog in a Year!

Totally forgot about it. But if I have any followers left, I kindly direct you to The Flinternet, where I post photos and GIFs that make me laugh. I got sick of doing all the work myself, so like many of my fellow inner-city youths I turned to theft.

There's a Nap for That!

As many of you already know, I'm really good at a lot of things. I've displayed the tenacity to continue living with my mother literally years after most of my piers threw in the towel. I can pass for both Jewish and gay. And I'm especially skilled at offending Chinamen. One area in which I've earned a "Needs Improvement" mark, however, is that of sleep. I am terrible at sleeping.

As a result, the guy who I get my mescaline from recommended that I try what's known as a "sleep study". In short, I spend the night at the hospital while various biological rhythms and outputs (I'll try my darndest not to fart and/or ejaculate) are carefully measured by science. The results will hopefully allow my doctor to find the magical combination of medication, lifestyle change, and, hopefully, blowjobs that will turn me into a healthy sleeper.

Do you think I jest? Not this time. Except for the mescaline part. I made that up. He actually sells me roofies. Anyway, as this evening progresses I will keep you, my loyal fan base, updated using a little trick called live-blogging. So check back periodically throughout the evening to learn more about my experience.

Every experiment, of course, requires a control. To satisfy this necessity, here is a photograph of me, before the sleep study, very skillfully not sleeping. Let's see how things progress as the afternoon gives way to evening and as those roofies I told you about start to kick in.

7:33

I was ushered into the sleep lab by a short, friendly gentleman who did not speak English. His enthused mumbles had a hint of Greek. Perhaps Czech? Regardless of his mysterious mother tongue, my new friend aggressively gesture toward some forms lying on a desk that I was clearly meant to fill out. The first piece of paper I looked at was completely indecipherable. I've been here 3 minutes and I already have no idea what's going on.

Should I point out on the figure where the foreign man touched me?

7:51

After stumbling through this paperwork like a legally blind kid trying to luck his way through the SATs, I was escorted down a deserted hallway toward my sleeping quarters. It was upon seeing the sign on this door that I knew my evening was starting to look up.

Berkshire Medical Center knows how to PAR-TAY!

8:40

The aggressively friendly “Nurse Helen” just informed me that once I'm “wired up”, I’ll have to call someone via intercom to unhook me any time I need to get up. Looks like I’ll be going to bed thirsty tonight. No worries, though, because I don’t have to get out of bed in order to have a some special Andrew time. I'll just take a quick glance around to make sure no one is watching and…OH CRAP!

It appears that Nurse Helen is a bit of a peeping Tom. Well I hope she enjoys the show, because this train is leaving the ol' station.

9:17

DING DING DING! Oh Nurse Helen, be a doll and fetch Andrew a fresh loin shammy. This old one has grown coarse. And while you're at it, perhaps a quick neck rub?

And would it kill you to smile a little?

10:54

Well I certainly learned one thing tonight. Bug Nurse Helen enough and she's bound to wire you up like a Jihadist on his big day.

It's like the old song goes, "The eye bone is wired to the leg bone, the nose hole is stapled to the mainframe..." and so on. Good times. Well, now that I am half machine, I'm off to enjoy the slumber that only us bionic types can experience. I'm guessing it'll be 8 hours of that mid 1980s DOS prompt blinking incessantly in my internal dreamscape. G'night, kids. And if I have trouble waking up, just unplug me for 30 seconds, plug me back in, and wait for the red light to turn green. I'll be right as rain.

6:45 AM

After about 17 minutes of tortured sleep, during which I had a dream about trying to convince my father and sister that 9/11 was an inside job, the sleep study is complete. Good old Nurse Helen, as chipper as a meth head on payday, unplugged my Terminator wires and left me drowsy, wet, and covered in robot jizz. But hey, at least now I'm really, really good at sleep.

Thanks, science!

Guess Who's Got A Case Of The Mopies?

Alan Cumming. That's who!

Um, Yes Please!

I was casually scouring the Iowa City housing market when I came across this delightful number. Four bedrooms, spacious yard, proxmity to a good public school. A true steal at just over $100,000.

Oh, and also it's on BJAYSVILLE FUCKING LANE! I mean, that alone should bump up the property value threefold.

You Know What Band Ruled?

Thomas Jefferson Airplane!

Although Thomas Jefferson Starship was kinda lame, and Jefferson Davis Airplane was just plain embarrassing.

Some People Have Musical Names!

These are all very real people who I found using whitepage.com. Imagine how much fun it would be to get them all together in one room...

-or-

(take your pick on that last one)

If some of these are a tad confusing, try ignoring the middle names.

The Cinematic Event of the Year...

MOTHRA STEWART!

Am I The Only One Who Missed This?

The president of Nigeria is named Goodluck motherfuckin' Jonathan!?! The dude's got my vote any day. Hanging out with babes on the reg? being named Goodluck? Running against some fool named Atiku Abubakar in an upcoming election? Mr. Jonathan is allllll set.

Also, just in case you were wondering which candidate is the forerunner when it comes to superior headwear style, Jonathan is the clear winner. Look at Mr. Funnyhat here:

What a fucking joker.

Also, here are my predictions regarding future Nigerian presidents:

2015: Highfive Eugene

2019: Bachelorparty Dennis

2023: Orgasmatron Steve

2027: Winninglotteryticket Brian

2031: Goodluck Jonathan (re-elected)

Things I Like: Strong Names

These six gents all have something in common. And my guess is that, what with being named "Lowell" and all, none of them are aware of the internet meme homophonous with their shared moniker.

Things I Like: Smoking

Things I don't like: quitting smoking.

Friends, I am an imperfect man. I use the lord's name in vain, I don't particularly care for the Chinese, and I smoke cigarettes. Lots of them. Not gonna lie - my first cigarette upon waking is perhaps the highlight of my day. But when your day is all downhill from the start, you know that something needs to change. As a result, I am in the process of quitting smoking. Haven't seen me in a day or two? That's because I am in self-imposed exile while the demon exorcizes itself from my lungs' brain.

Here are some of the experiences I've had while experiencing withdrawal:

1) Desire to smoke

2) That's all

BTW, can I bum a Camel?

Things I Like: Diversity

Curious about the life of actress and comedian Whoopie Goldberg, I started to type her name into Google. I got as far as "Whoop", and the above list of suggestions popped up. Who knew that five simple letters could lead a searcher to information about disease, pastries, birds, and Tag Team's 1993 dance floor hit. What a surprisingly diverse revisiting of childhood delights!

Things I Like: Artistic Responsibility

Folks, sometimes it helps to think to life as an indifferent lottery. When it comes to looks, most of us fall somewhere near the middle of the spectrum: not supermodels, but not Swamp Things, either. This young woman lost the lottery. She looks like a wax sculpture of a lesbian gym teacher who was left in the sun too long and shrank into a squat troll. Her facial expression is appropriate, given her shitty, shitty luck.

But I must express my gratitude to this caricaturist who, despite what I'm sure is a natural tendency to glamorize his subjects, chose instead to take the moral high road by drawing an accurate rendering of this really, really unpleasant looking child. What is true art if not an expression of humanity's honest experience of the world?

Things I Like: The Free Market

Years and years of racial discourse have resulted in the constant deference to sensitivity when dealing with issues of inequality. Should these dolls all cost the same price? Maybe if Walmart took a tip from Affirmative Action legislation. But, thanks to the good old free market forces of supply and demand, these dolls have been priced according to their desirability by the doll-buying public. Thank you, free market, for restoring a bit of equality to the way small, plastic humanoids are ranked.

Things I Like

After a summer of hibernation, this stupid blog is back! I've decided to ease my return to the blogosphere by focusing on the positive things in my life. I am thus officially unveiling a subset of 413some called "Things I Like". Simple, short, and very, very sweet. Here goes...

Things I Like: Creative Problem Solving:

Ok, so Maggie was inconsiderate enough to drop dead right before her birthday party. Poor form, Maggie! Especially after everyone at the Eagles Club chipped in for that epic ice cream cake with custom lettering and everything. But at least her pals were crafty enough to put those multi-colored streamers and Dixie cups full of Kaopectate to work. And look at how masterfully they updated her birthday poster. Waste not, want not. That's what I always say.

Baddest Ass Headline I've Seen In A While

Phoning It In...

Ever since Sandra Bullock won an Oscar, the rules of the humor universe have been unraveling. In the melee, I've been confused and distracted. So, until the universal order is restored, here is another hastily thrown-together group of photos I like.

Ya Know What's A Funny Word?

Chatroulette!

Do you know what Chatroulette is? I do! Check it -->

Chatroulette! from Andrew Flint on Vimeo.

BAM!