Meet Your Local Barista #2

This is Nathan.


Nathan has been working at Lenox Coffee since he was twelve. He is also amazing with the ladies. Nathan lost his virginity when he was six weeks old. What a stud. This is what Nathan looks like when he hold a motorcycle helmet with a flaming skull in it. Total stud.

Nathan is a Renaissance man. His hobbies include talking like Dane Cook and trimming his chin-strap beard like a Latino gangster. He is also a professional panther wrangler and lion fister. Nathan also enjoys hanging out with his very sexy girlfriend and drinking.

Meet Your Local Barista

This is Ryan


He is the manager of Lenox Coffee. Ryan's hobbies include eating cold hotdogs and naming his children after characters on Alias. Managing the coffee shop allows Ryan the opportunity to interact with the community face to face, which he loves. When not working, Ryan can often be found playing video games and weeping gently.

More "Meet Your Local Barista" entries to come.

Let's Talk About Burritos

Some might say that talking about burritos is like chewing gum about calculus. Those people are retarded. Let's talk about burritos.

I want you inside me.

Burritos are one of the two best foods. The other is watermelon. "But what about delicious cheese?" you might ask. Well I say throw that shit in a burrito. Steak? Burrito! Guacamole? Burrito! Lobster? Why the fuck not...Burrito! Watermelon is the only awesome food that you can't put in a burrito.

I used to live in San Francisco. Everyone in San Francisco is a little bit fat, even the hipsters. This is because everyone eats a burrito every day. The only skinny people in San Francisco are the Mexicans, who are responsible for making these burritos. This presents what scientists have dubbed "¡El Problemo Rediculoso de Burritos!"


Hipsters in New York look like scary cocaine vampires. Hipsters in San Francisco are fat and happy.


For five dollars you can get a burrito that is both the size and shape of your stomach. For those of us who are still too embarrassed to say "fish taco" out loud in public, this is the best deal you will ever find. Unfortunately, friends, the burrito situation in the Berkshires is grim. If you are in Lenox and you want a burrito you have to go the Betty's Pizza Shack, where they give you something resembling in size, shape, and smell a flaccid, sauce-covered wang. It costs nine dollars. Fuck that shit.


If you happen to find yourself in Great Barrington you can get a burrito at Azteca. They get the size and the shape right, but your burrito will be full of too much bland rice and not enough yum yums. Someone needs to tell them that this isn't Kripalu, Broheeeeem. For eight bucks I want half a damn cow in that 'rrito. Also, the woman who works there was mean to me.

Do you know where I can get a decent burrito around here? Please tell me. Please. 413some@gmail.com.

BURRITO UPDATE:
Rebecca and I got burritos from Athena II in Lenox yesterday. We also got a 12 pack of Pabst and rented Be Kind Rewind. It was a good day. The burritos, while tasty, were not composed in the traditional way. They were more akin to fajitas, thus earning several demerits. Also, PJ told me there's a burrito place in Pittsfield that supposed to be good, but he forgot what it's called.

All Famous People Look The Same (Look Like Me)

Now that I am an online sensation I have joined a long, proud lineage of very famous and virile young men who look quite similar in the ol' faceroo. Did we perhaps spring from a common genetic fountain of life, or have the luxuries of fame molded us into statues of perfection and success? I am not the one to answer this question. My only job at this point is to gaze wistfully toward the right of the computer screen and recline amongst the spoils of renown. Allow me to introduce you to some of my fellow celebrity look-alikes.

This man's name is Rod Stewart. He used to be married to a supermodel. But then he kicked her to the curb cause she was always yip-yappin' at him and, man, screw that noise.


This handsome fellow is named Ronnie Wood, and he's in a little band called the ROLLING FUCKING STONES. Mick Jagger used to cry because Ronnie was stealing all the babes. Life can be difficult sometimes.


Who is this fellow with those bewitching eyes?!? Why, it's Freddie Mercury, that's who! He rocked so hard that he got literally killed by fame (AIDS).


What can I say about Barry Manilow that hasn't already be said? Brilliant, angelic voice, Zeus-like handsomeness, hung like a Mongol. I could go on all day. And look at that coy little smile! No wonder he's maintained cultural relevance for so many years.


And, most importantly of all, there's THIS GUY! Someone has to carry the torch of having sunken eyes, a weak jaw, and a pronounced Jew nose. One at a time, ladies.

Grownups

Dear people who fucking love my blog, I've actually been busy at work this week, and thus haven't had the time to make a blog post of the caliber that you've come to expect, to crave. Until I get a free period (remember highschool!?!) and write some new stuff, please enjoy this entertaining Wikipedia page:
Lots of people getting badly hurt at an amusement park

Other things:
Ad misplacement

Party Animals

Pals, I have a friend who is so cool, so sexy, so hip that I'm hesitant to name-drop her out of fear of sounding like a star fucker. But what the hay. Her name is Mother Nature, and she is a MILF. Sometime the mad rat race of downtown Lenox, Massachusetts brings my blood to a boil, and I have to escape to nature.

I live in an urban hellscape.

The pressure is KILLING ME!

That's why my friend Ali and I decided to escape to the woods, kind of like in that movie "Into the Wild", except we didn't get torn apart by bears at the end and then get to hang out with Werner Herzog, or something like that. I was drunk when I saw it.

When we first arrived in nature we were scared and confused. We had so many questions. "What's that noise?" "What just crawled into my ear?" "Where's our bag of Quaaludes?" "Didn't they stop making Quaaludes in the 80s?" We were like children lost in the vastness of the wilderness from which we were spawned. To calm our nerves and hasten our communion with nature, we tried drinking.

It's always happy hour in the woods.

Ali and I were getting closer to becoming one with nature. To appease Mother Earth we honored her diversity. The wine was Australian, the cheese was Italian, Ali was Mexican, and the mosquitos were JAMAICAN ME CRAZY! Ali got whipped into such a frenzy that she tried making romance with a tree.

Ali is a dendropheliac.

Ali's amorous advances worked, and Mother Nature finally accepted us as her children. Did you know that when Mother Nature loves you and you're drunk that bears and squirrels and shit will totally fucking hang out with you!?! They will.

That deer was a total bro. I gave him my cell number so he could holler at me sometime. He gave me ticks. Animals are the coolest.

Guitario

Folks, my friend Mario is brilliant. He has proven that I am not the only one who is able to sloppily edit pictures of my friends' faces in order to document the excitement of their lives.

Here is a photo of the time Mario dick-blasted me in the face hole with a dild'. Boy was my face red!

Is your job so boring that you have the time to copy a photo from Facebook, paste it into Paint, draw all over it, chuckle to yourself when you realize just how clever you are, and then email it to me? I frickin' hope so, cause this pool is big enough for everyone. Come on in, the water is fine.