I am a Self-Thief

Here is an old post from a blog that I used to contribute to. Since I am too lazy to come up with any original humorous content, I figured I'd just repost it here on 413some. Enjoy learning about my favorite little southern town.

Thank you, weed, for helping me discover the town of Melber, situated in the southwest corner of Kentucky.

What draws my interest to Melber? Uh, nothing.....except for the fact that its FUCKING ZIP CODE IS 42069! Click here to learn more.

Yep, that's right. In order to send a letter to someone in Melber, you have to insinuate both marijuana smoking and mutual oral sex! I hope at least one of their 842 citizens finds this amusing. Also of humorous note: Melber is located in McCracken County, and the state abbreviation for Kentucky is "KY". 

But, despite the lack of attention I have paid 413some lately, I will soon be back in force. I am writing these words from the Apple Store, where my computer is being turned into a fucking robo-cop that will help me write face melting blog post in the days to come.

In My Brief Absence...

Friends, I am in a, shall we say, transitional phase. One result of this is that I don't currently have reliable access to the internet. The frequency of my blog posts has suffered as a result. While I get my ducks in a row, I encourage you to do the following things:

Kick back and enjoy a refreshing beer.

Spend some "you time" around the house. Let your true colors fly!

While you're at it, maybe you could freshen the place up a bit.

And use the time to catch up on some quality reading.

Go ahead 'n spoil yourself. You deserve it! And I should remind you that, without proper R & R, you could become as tightly wound as this lady.

We Live in a Diverse World

I work at a coffee shop. We serve coffee that is organic, fair trade, shade-grown, vegan, shipped in hemp sacks, transported aboard bio-diesel airplanes, and hand-roasted by inner-city minority youths who are given liberal arts scholarships and are taught yoga. The coffee also supports same-sex marriage, drives a Prius, and donates to NPR. But, surprisingly, it is pro-life. It is complex coffee that resists being pigeonholed.

So that our customers know exactly what they're drinking, we proudly display labels that inform them where the coffee came from and what some of its defining characteristics are. However, some of these labels sound like they're attempting to sum up entire nationalities. Here is an example:

This poses an interesting conundrum since "soft" and "enticing" are adjectives not typically associated with Mexicans. Perhaps a more accurate label would read "wily and prone to dance", or "strong and skilled with a blade".

Some of the labels are a bit more precise. Take a look at this one:

It comes as no surprise that Guatemalans are described as "elegantly balanced" since, due to the mountainous terrain of their home country, a clumsy Guatemalan would not last very long. Also, their rich tradition of dance is nothing short of elegant.

Some of the labels are a tad ambiguous, and thus don't really say much:

Perhaps I could apply a bit of my personal experience to this one. If this Italian Roast coffee shares the "southern Italian tradition" of the Sicilian side of my family, it could be described as "loud and angry" or "distrusting of blacks" or "unwilling to forgive my father for marrying a Jew".

After hours upon hours of gazing ponderously at these coffee labels, I realized that perhaps the world would be easier to comprehend if all types of people were described as succinctly as these labels describe our beans. Here are some examples I came up with:

Weird...

"Hello, I am a cock n' balls with teeth"

"Just kidding. I'm actually a mole rat. But you totally thought I was a cock n' balls with teeth, didn't you? Seeing as I'm the most hideous creature on the planet, the only thing I have to fall back on is my sense of humor."

"Here's what it looks like when I'm nursing my young. Or, if you are attracted to hairless, flaccid wieners, you can pretend that this photo depicts a bunch of tiny penises attacking a much larger penis, perhaps in an attempt to steal its virility. Whatever gets you through the night."

History in the Making

The number of hits that 413some has received spells out the year that World War II ended.

Suck it, Japan!

Things like this remind me why I hate America

And things like this remind me why I love America

Totally Free Berkshires

At about 11 AM today I was half-aware of the television blathering on in the background as I completed my morning routine of checking my email while gently weeping. My attention was grabbed, however, when a commercial named-dropped the Berkshires. It was an advertisement for an anti-drug website called TotallyFreeBerkshires.org, a site that is apparently endorsed by an ethnically diverse band of oddly dressed children. As always seems to happen when the place where I live is mentioned on the television, I ejaculated heartily. But after changing my pants I actually visited the website. I was greeted with strange sights and curious individuals, as well as condescending messages promoting a drug and alcohol free life. Here are some samples of the things I saw and the people I met.

Look at these smooth operators, Their facial hair says "I don't take orders from anyone!", their accessories scream "I think this photo shoot's stylist is high", and their angsty squints give off a fleeting hint of "I hope that stylist has more weed".

This is X-Box. He killed a guy. Part of his work release program involves community service, thus his appearance in this "totally 'hood" picture. Don't believe what the website says. X-Box totally does drugs.

Totally girlfriend? More like totally badass! This girl doesn't take shit from NO ONE! And she doesn't do drugs either. Maybe that's because she fucking 8 years old. Check back in 2018 and give her a urine test. Then we'll see.

"Hey guyz, I'm Trent, and I do whatever I want! Whether it's cultivating an awesome beard, fucking staring at the camera like a sexy panther, or appearing on a website next to the phrase "totally tat", I'm always doing stuff that my parents hate. Where did that stylist lady with the weed go?"

This rebellious lad enjoys being a vegan, working Saturdays at Hot Topic, and not yet realizing that he is a homosexual. He doesn't care about anything, especially about drugs, because drugs are for people who buy into the establishment. If he could see a glimpse of what he will be like in 10 years, he would cry. He would also probably do drugs.

So, aside from featuring photos of a bunch of super cool kids, what else does this website do?

Totally Free Berkshries also features a blog, and accepts submissions from the site's members. In order to take part in this blog I sent an email, as the website directed, to plands@berkshireunitedway.com. But I didn't want this email to give away my identity, so I decided to create a brand new email address. Since Drug.Free@gmail.com and I.Do.Not.Do.Drugs@gmail.com were already taken, I had to settle for I.Really.Enjoy.Cocaine@gmail.com. Using this address, I sent Totally Free Berkshires the following email:

I will keep you updated as I contribute pearls of drug-free wisdom to the Totally Free Berkshires blog.