MOTHRA STEWART!

Am I The Only One Who Missed This?

The president of Nigeria is named Goodluck motherfuckin' Jonathan!?! The dude's got my vote any day. Hanging out with babes on the reg? being named Goodluck? Running against some fool named Atiku Abubakar in an upcoming election? Mr. Jonathan is allllll set.

Also, just in case you were wondering which candidate is the forerunner when it comes to superior headwear style, Jonathan is the clear winner. Look at Mr. Funnyhat here:

What a fucking joker.

Also, here are my predictions regarding future Nigerian presidents:

2015: Highfive Eugene

2019: Bachelorparty Dennis

2023: Orgasmatron Steve

2027: Winninglotteryticket Brian

2031: Goodluck Jonathan (re-elected)

Things I Like: Strong Names

These six gents all have something in common. And my guess is that, what with being named "Lowell" and all, none of them are aware of the internet meme homophonous with their shared moniker.

Things I Like: Smoking

Things I don't like: quitting smoking.

Friends, I am an imperfect man. I use the lord's name in vain, I don't particularly care for the Chinese, and I smoke cigarettes. Lots of them. Not gonna lie - my first cigarette upon waking is perhaps the highlight of my day. But when your day is all downhill from the start, you know that something needs to change. As a result, I am in the process of quitting smoking. Haven't seen me in a day or two? That's because I am in self-imposed exile while the demon exorcizes itself from my lungs' brain.

Here are some of the experiences I've had while experiencing withdrawal:

1) Desire to smoke

2) That's all

BTW, can I bum a Camel?

Things I Like: Diversity

Curious about the life of actress and comedian Whoopie Goldberg, I started to type her name into Google. I got as far as "Whoop", and the above list of suggestions popped up. Who knew that five simple letters could lead a searcher to information about disease, pastries, birds, and Tag Team's 1993 dance floor hit. What a surprisingly diverse revisiting of childhood delights!

Things I Like: Artistic Responsibility

Folks, sometimes it helps to think to life as an indifferent lottery. When it comes to looks, most of us fall somewhere near the middle of the spectrum: not supermodels, but not Swamp Things, either. This young woman lost the lottery. She looks like a wax sculpture of a lesbian gym teacher who was left in the sun too long and shrank into a squat troll. Her facial expression is appropriate, given her shitty, shitty luck.

But I must express my gratitude to this caricaturist who, despite what I'm sure is a natural tendency to glamorize his subjects, chose instead to take the moral high road by drawing an accurate rendering of this really, really unpleasant looking child. What is true art if not an expression of humanity's honest experience of the world?

Things I Like: The Free Market

Years and years of racial discourse have resulted in the constant deference to sensitivity when dealing with issues of inequality. Should these dolls all cost the same price? Maybe if Walmart took a tip from Affirmative Action legislation. But, thanks to the good old free market forces of supply and demand, these dolls have been priced according to their desirability by the doll-buying public. Thank you, free market, for restoring a bit of equality to the way small, plastic humanoids are ranked.