Winter: It's No Joke!

"The snow falls hard and don't you know
The winds of Thor are blowing cold."
- Robert Plant

Robert Plant was probably actually singing about The Hobbit or butt-plowing Janis Joplin, but the sentiment his lyrics convey is not lost on me on this frigid evening. After spending last winter in San Francisco, and much of the winter before that in New Orleans, I have become soft and weak. I was rudely snapped out of my tropical delirium earlier this week, however, when whoever controls the weather (Jesus? I'm guessing it's Jesus) decided to turn the thermostat all the way from "Let's hang out!" down past "I'm just gonna stay in tonight with a book" until it hit "I've got a bottle of bourbon and a fist full of Xanax. If I don't die, wake me up when it's June."


This animal is "hibernating". It is the animal equivalent of renting the first season of The Office, gaining 15 pounds, and sitting in the same spot on the couch until it becomes saturated with your pizza farts.

Who is to blame for the wretched fact that many of us live in a climate that, for 5 months of the year, tries as hard as it can to kill us? What buffoons would have been so foolish as to establish communities in such harsh natural surroundings? I like to blame a little group of idiots known as THE PURITANS.

Look at this goof troop!

The Puritans' hobbies included religious freedom, stoning people for looking at them cross-ways, and freezing to death. The biggest question I have for John Winthrop and his merry band of fucking retards is, "After sailing across the Atlantic effing ocean, why didn't you just go, say, one week south and set up camp in Boca?" Keep in mind that the Puritans arrived in Salem in 1628, and they were English. By this year, the British Empire had colonies in Barbados, Virginia, Jamaica, Honduras, and so on. In other words, our pals the Puritans were well aware of the whole "further south = less freezing to death" thing. But for some harebrained reason they set up shop in Salem, Massachusetts. Then they froze to death.



After celebrating "The First Thanksgiving" with their new native friends, the Puritans celebrated "The First Wishing To Christ That They Could Just Die Already So That The Freezing Hell That Was Their Pathetic Lives Would Finally End". The Indians had a good chuckle at this, and then enjoyed jovial bouts of unprotected sex and wampum counting.

And so, because of the Puritans' catawampous-ass colony, many of us are very, very cold. But, unlike certain people I could mention (*COUGH*puritans*COUGH*), I am no fatalist. Despite being physically and emotionally snowed-in for the next half a year, I'm going to try to make the best out of it. Here are some wintertime activities that might make this dark period just a little bit brighter.

1) Skiing


Great idea...if you want to end up like this guy.

Salvatore "Sonny" Bono: Musician, Senator, Guy Who Skis Into A Tree And Then Dies.

2) Building Snowmen

Sounds like a blast...if your definition of "blast" is "getting cold water in my shoes and sand in my eye and totally ruining that white sweater from H&M". Screw that noise.

3) Ice Skating

Yeah, I think I'll pass

4) Lying In Bed And Drinking Heavily

I think we have a winner!

If only there were a way to combine the freezing powers of snow with the relaxation of drinking and the rejuvenating effects of hibernation. If only I could be frozen for a period of time, and then be awoken when the world is a more pleasant place. If only I were some sort of.....

.......ENCINO MAN! Paulie Shore, you had the answer this whole time! Let's rent Bio-Dome, whip out the scotch, and fire up the bong. It's gonna be a long fucking winter!