His hobbies include being an alpha male, pelting children with rocks, and rubbing his penis between two pieces of fruit. Santino's recent attacks on patrons of the Stockholm zoo were staged so craftily that zookeepers were unable to determine the source of the stones he threw. Turns out, he was stockpiling them in anticipation of smashing humans in their gullets. This is how Santino rolls:
But, and here's where it gets good, Santino apparently grew dissatisfied with the assortment of rocks with which the zoo's "natural" climate provided him and decided to fashion his own weapons.
Not unlike Archimedes or Leonardo, our man Santino proved his skill in designing and forging projectiles uniquely suited to his needs on the battlefield. And also, he was a total sketchball about it:
This clearly proves my heretofore unsubstantiated claim that cunning and lurksmanship are among the most ancient and hard-wired of hominid traits. But it also calls into question my perhaps hasty likening of Santino to the military geniuses of the Italian Renaissance and Ancient Greece. Perhaps Santino is more appropriately compared to that 14-year-old with an uneven training-mustache who tries to sell you dime bags as you're walking out of the 7-11 at 1:00 AM.
99.4% shared DNA indeed. Santino, you are a friend, nay, a brother to mankind. Keep on truckin', little pal.
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