Friday, December 5, 2008

Some People Suck

Since you, faithful reader, are a friend of 413some, my educated guess is that you do not suck. But this is not the case for all people. One of the magical qualities possessed by our world is diversity. This results in everything from the many colors of birds in the sky, to the many kinds of cheap beer at the supermarket ("Budweiser" is German for "carbonated tinkle". "Tecate" means the same thing in Spanish. "Coors", however, derives from an Apache word meaning "the wind of paradise". Go figure), to the many kinds of people we encounter every day. Some of these people are radiant beams of energy. Others are dark and brooding, full of artistic angst. But a lot of people just plain suck. Let's take an analytical look at several categories within this group.

1) Chads


Chads, also known to lay folk as "jocks" or "frat boys', are loud, dumb, and easily provoked into acts of violence. They are difficult to hate, however, due to their impish love of tomfoolery.

Chads feel most at home in the proximity of beer pong tables and Dave Matthews tribute nights. When they stray too far from their natural environments the results can be disastrous. Here are some chads who have no doubt become disoriented, and have found themselves atop a mountain.

Sadly for these chads, they will almost certainly fall victim to the physical inevitability known as "Chad Neck". It develops with age, and will ruin all of their turtleneck shirts.

2) Herbs

To clarify any misunderstandings, when the word "herb" is used to describe a person, the "h" is pronounced. This distinguishes it from its heteronymic counterpart used to describe a plant utilized for its flavoring qualities. You may be more familiar with the verb form of this word, such as is found in the sentence, "Dude, you just got herbed on!" To add to the confusion, "Herb" is also a common male first name. Can you fill in the blanks in the following sentence with the correct words?

"After eating a delicious piece of garlic and *BLANK* chicken and then smoking some *BLANK*, I discovered that that *BLANK* Eugene totally *BLANK* on my mellow by scratching my *BLANK* Alpert & The Tijuana Brass CD. What a dick."*

*Hint - Here are the correct answers. Now all you have to do is fit them into the sentence correctly:


A herb (as it relates to the subject of this blog post) is kind of like a dick, except more wussy. Picture someone who thinks they're always right even though they're actually always wrong. It's the same person who misses a belt loop on their pants, or who walks out of the bathroom with a string of toilet paper trailing behind them. Total herb. And this segues nicely into...

3) Dicks (see also: "Dickweeds", "Dickheads")

This man is a dick.

Dicks come in all shapes and sizes. What unites them is the quality of unprovoked meanness. Here is an example of a typical conversation one might have with a dick:

You: Good day, kind sir.
Dick: Shut your cake hole, faggot!
You: Why sir, you seem to have mistaken me for someone else. It is I, your old friendly acquaintance.
Dick: *Punches you in the testies*
You: *Gently weeps*
Dick: Faggot.

As you can see, dicks are all-around unpleasant and should be avoided. The best way to deal with an aggressive dick is by being silent and ignoring them in the hope that they will just go away. Here is how such an interaction might play out:

Dick: Hey butt hole. You suck at being cool, idiot.
You: *Silently directs eyes to the floor*
Dick: Your grandmother fellated my anus.
You: *Throws up mouth a little bit, continues looking at floor*
Dick: *Defecates on your little sister*
You: *Gently weeps. Tries to gain strength by reciting favorite passages from "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret"*
Dick: Faggot.


There is clearly no way to win with these people. Which is why we are lucky to live in a world full of those weak pushovers known as...

4) Wieners

Wieners are the poor, pathetic souls for whom nothing seems to ever work out. They get taunted, bossed around, and rejected, but always seem to come back for more. Are you a wiener? Take the following quiz to find out!

It's friday night, and there's a big party at Raimundo's house. All the popular kids are going to be there. You...
a) Are one of the first people to be invited. After all, it's barely a party unless you're there!
b) Might stop by and check it out. But only if you feel like it.
c) Overhear some people talking about the party, so you timidly attend in order to try to make some friends. But then you spill your Smirnoff Ice on the host's laptop and then fart super loud in front of that really hot girl who's two years older. You wake up in a puddle of your own pee.

Your older brother's favorite things to do while hanging out with you include...
a) Playing a vigorous game of basketball.
b) Buying a 6-pack and reminiscing about how much mischief you guys got into in middle school.
c) Peeing on your face.

For your last birthday, your parents got you...
a) An Xbox 360.
b) A plane ticket to visit your friends in LA.
c) Nothing. They peed on your face.


If you selected answer "c" for any of these questions then, buddy, it's not looking good. Wipe that pee off your face and then get outta here, cause 413some is a wiener-free zone. I guess life just can't work out for all of us.

Oooh. Sorry your name sucks, bro. At least you're not a chad.

I hope this has served to clarify the distinctions between some of the different types of shitty people who seem to lurk behind every corner. If there's a lesson to be taken from this dissection of people who suck, it is that any one of us could have been born a chad, a herb, a dick, or a wiener. There but for the grace of God go I, ya know? So next time some herb is herbing on my buzz I'm gonna look him square in the eye and, with complete compassion, say...

Then I'm gonna pee on his face.


Rebecca said...

you're a douche box. a box full of douches.

Andrew said...

At least I don't relish the rich aromas and complex flavors of anal burps like someone I could mention. (You)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

I mostly like the words "puddle" and "pee" together in the same sentence... thank you for using them.