Tuesday, December 23, 2008

One More Reason Not To Have Children

Names. We're each stuck with the same one for pretty much our whole life. And chances are that, at some point during your childhood, your name was mocked. But, it's also likely that, no matter how shitty your name is, there's someone else whose name is just a little more mockable. And, when you meet someone named "Dick Trickle" or "Harry Sack", you can't help but wonder what was wrong with their parents. Well, now that we live in the age of the internet, parents no longer have any excuses. With websites such as BabyNamer.com and BabyNames.com, expecting parents can learn about the drawbacks associated with potential names for their children. Watch and learn...

As an experiment, let's see what they've got for my name, Andrew. First we can swing by BabyNames.com and see what some other Andrews out there look like. It's safe to assume that, with a name that denotes masculinity, we'll be greeted by a band of dashingly handsome ruffians.


Crap! Look at this bunch of jokers. A total douch bag, every one. Except, of course, for that one smooth operator in the lower right. Cool as a cucumber.

But certainly a frickin' sweet name like Andrew will have some top-notch nicknames attached to it. Let's peruse the list provided by BabyNamer.com and see what treats await us...


Banjo! The perfect nickname! Andy 500 is pretty cool, and Neandythal is badass, but Banjo is clearly the winner. Finally, after a lifetime of never having had a cool nickname, I can now pride myself on being good old Banjo. And the best part is, there's clearly no other name to which the moniker "Banjo" can be applied. Unless...



Ok, Andrew, calm down. Just take your mind off it. Let's look at some names that will sentence their bearers to a lifetime of mockery. That'll make you feel better. How about....Richard!


Are you effing kidding me? Shouldn't there be like, 50 different incarnations of the word "Dick"? But no, there's not a single "Dickweed" or "Dick Blasteroid". Nothing. Ok, I know someone who always gets a raw deal. It's a little fella I like to call "Jesus".


Man, BabyNamer.com is really dropping the ball. Alright, I know one name that just plain sucks so hard that there's gotta be something mean written about it. Let's take a gander at...


Hehe, loser. Some people will always be at the bottom of the pecking order. And, thanks to a motherfucker named Esteban, I seem to be pretty close to the bottom myself. I gotta go. I have a date with my Poindexter. Hopefully this time I won't cry afterwards.


Here are some other terrible names I found at WhitePage.com:

I bet you can find one on Craigslist, Brosephine.

Dude, you are going to be the absolutely most popular person in prison.

I don't even want to know what this guy's dad was like.

Man, this guy's last name just plain sucks. But, you may notice, he's the director of Veterans of Foreign Wars International. That's kind of like appointing Kevin Bin Laden as the new VP of Delta or Dave Wilkes Booth as the President's head of security. Bad call, guys.

Jeez, I haven't seen this many Sandy Beavers since that time a monsoon hit our beach party.

If you find any hilarious names, send em my way.


R.P. Bodge said...

Yo banjo,

read this stuff. it hill air us!


Anonymous said...

how could you forget our own Harry Johnson, Coffee shop frequenter and Shakespeare costumer.
Also I knew a women in Pittsfield back in the 70,s named Anita Breast,
I went to girls club camp with Candy Cane and Holly Wood lived very near copperworks in 1975, in jr high I was afraid of a girl called Stormy McCloud, she was the kinda girl who blew smoke in your face in the girls room.
hey happy holidays Banjo!
Bango Flint....hmmmmmmm

Anonymous said...

I put your blog in the gender analyzer,
here are the results....I don,t know what to say, sorry Tracy

Andrew said...

Tracy, you're right! 65% is a lot. I've really learned something about myself tonight.