An Inquiry into Notable Historical Figures #1: The Habsburg Chin

Friends, it recently dawned on me that, with all of my profiles of Lenox Coffee Shop baristas and reviews of French onion soup, the 413some has been neglecting some of life's loftier subjects. Dance, opera, religion. Those things are for losers. What I'm talking about is the history of banging your cousin. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time. Maybe you've had one too many Zimas at the family picnic and you start to rationalize that it's OK because hey, you never really knew her when you were kids, right? But pal, don't do it. Cause if you do, your child could look like this:



See this charming dingbat? His name is Carlos II, and he was the king of Spain and most of Italy in the 18th Century. Despite his regal might, Carlos looked like a doofy dingus. This is because generations of inbreeding amongst members of the Habsburg family led to a little something called the "Habsburg Chin". That's right. The Habsburgs literally banged their cousins so much that subsequent generations came out of the oven looking like that one muffin that didn't form quite right. The one that you give to the dog. Think I'm kidding? Think again. Carlos' facial deformation was so severe that he couldn't even chew his own food. This gave rise to the popular schoolyard rhyme:

Carlos, Carlos, king of the land
his face looks like a hippo's hand
Are you a goblin or are you a witch?
Nah, you're just a little bitch
Carlos, Carlos, don't you weep
you own thirty seven thousand sheep
You're so powerful and you're so rich
but seriously bro, you look like a bitch*

*Lord Cornwall's Compendium of Renaissance Songs, Rhymes, Incantations, and Various Other Forms of Sonorous Tomfoolery Deriving from and Regarding the Royal Family and its Holdings both Domestic and Abroad. 37th edition. Harper Collins. 1978, New York.

So learn a lesson from the Habsburg clan. The next time you catch a whiff of your cousin's intoxicating musk, just walk away.