Friends, sometimes the universe drops true love right in your lap. And sometimes the universe makes your stoned friends write a fake entry on Craigslist's infamous "Missed Connections" forum in order to fuck with you. Well, today, one of those two things has happened to me. My sister informed me that the following post was added to the Western Mass section of Missed Connections on the 21st of October:
Now, being a proud member of the Cartesian tradition of skepticism, I must consider both whether it is in fact I to whom this Craigslist post refers, and whether it was posted in earnest by a lonely lass or is instead the mischievous handiwork of one of my many, many dipshit "friends". Let's break this down, step by step.
So I made a delicious latte, eh? WRONG! I do work at Lenox Coffee, but the lattes that I make taste like a combination of chicory, disdain, and testicles (mine). This is my first reason for doubting the sincerity of this Craigslist post.
Ok, so I do have fucking STUNNING eyes, but I never "stand" behind the counter. My posture whilst at work is more akin to the lazed slouch of a male silverback gorilla kept in captivity, defeated yet feral. Also, sometimes I bend over to lap spilt half-and-half off of the floor mats. Rich in calcium. Good for the bones.
Yes, yes, I do also work at the Dream Away Lodge, a delightful bar and restaurant nestled in the remote woods of Becket, MA. But, and here's where my forensic psychological insight comes into play, only someone who is trying to pull the proverbial wool over my eyes would name-drop the Dream Away. So, my suspicion is now officially raised. If a random coffee shop babe actually wanted to get my attention, she'd no doubt emphasize the masculine curvature of my jaw or the impressive girth of the erection that perpetually sprouts from betwixt my thighs. The very mention of the Dream Away arouses a degree of suspicion in me. Could someone close to me perhaps be trying to lure me into a trap, be it of a humorous, anti-Semitic, or psycho-sexual nature?
Ok, let's clear something up right fucking now. Lenox Coffee's vanilla flavor shots are, indeed, quite saturated with sugar. But my general disposition while at work is far from sweet. This one time, I cock-punched a young, Asian tourist just for looking at me cross-ways. So this compliment is clearly fabricated.
Ummmm, I read EVERYTHING! Moby Dick? I read that shit! That weird Masonic tombstone in the graveyard in downtown Lenox? Yeah, I read that too. And the subtitles to the 2001 Mexican film "Y Tu Mama Tambien"? I don't care for wetback cinema. But I read pretty much anything else. Craigslist trickster, you've missed the mark big time!
So, little miss "Amazing Latte", I have one of two things to say to you. If you are in fact a single-and-ready-to-mingle babe who is attracted to my mind, body, and perma-boner, then I invite you to come back and visit me at the coffee shop. But this time, order a less faggy drink. And, if this Craigslist post was indeed perpetrated by a malicious acquaintance of mine, then I thank you for contributing to my internet celebrity. And maybe if you play your cards right, I'll give you a nice, fat shot of vanilla in your next latte (read: vanilla: dude sludge, latte: face).
I have decided that, whether this romantic overture is in fact in earnest or is the nefarious ploy of one of my countless enemies, a reply was in order. I have sent the following response to the titillating post, and am eager to see what sort of response I receive. I will keep you updated regarding how this plays out. Has the love of my life just fallen into my lap? Or is one of the fuckers who works at the coffee shop with me trying to get a laugh at good ol' Andrew's expense? Only time will tell.