Q: Why Did The Cat Cross The Road?

A: To fucking die.


Catch a load of this crap: Casper the cat, who lived in Devon, England, walked onto the same bus every day from 2005 until yesterday. The precocious little chap became something of a local celebrity, and was beloved by the whole community. But then he decided to kill himself right in front of everyone.


You'd think that after five years of hopping on the same bus every day, Casper knew exactly what was up when it came to dodging traffic. He's with Hemingway, Cobain, Hitler, and all those Jonestown folks now.

Dear David Bowie...

How is it that, after being arrested for possession of weed in Rochester, NY, you looked like a fucking Versaci model with a post-blowjob glow? I mean, look at that hair. Not a single one out of place! Did the Rochester Police Department have a stylist and fluffer on staff?



I have a bunch of friends who have been arrested for weed. They don't look like recently fellated models. They look like jaundiced Phish roadies. Mr. Bowie, WHAT'S YOUR SECRET!?!

The Maya Were Right!

For thousands of years the universe was in harmony. But in 2012, as foretold by our South American pals, Alec Baldwin will cosmically ascend out of the field of acting. Suicide pact, anyone?

A Whole Lot More?

When I was young and apparently had a touch of the Downs, Denver the Last Dinosaur was one of my favorite cartoons. Watch this right now:



The show gets a million points for the fucking faceripping theme song, but also suffers some demerits for the songs lyrical content. I'm specifically referring to the refrain, "Denver the last dinosaur, he's my friend and a whole lot more." See how I italicized and emboldened those five words? It's because, when I think about what it means to be "a whole lot more than friends" with someone, I picture sexual penetration. Denver was clearly giving these rad boys the ol' Time Travelin' Repto-Cornhole. Do you think that this complex childhood imprinting is what caused me to experience a turgid erection throughout the entire 129 minutes of The Lost World: Jurassic Park? I swear to god that Parasaurolophus was eyeing me the whole time.