Friends, these are tumultuous times. We live on the brink of global destruction. I'm not talking about nuclear war or those disappearin' bees, and I don't even believe in "global warming". I'm referring, of course, to the imminent threat posed by the LARGE HARDON COLLIDER!
This device is so large and deadly that it's like the four horsemen (I just realized that the word "semen" is totally in horsemen. Hehe. Also, "hardon" is in chardonnay.") of the apocalypse assembled themselves into one giant machine, like the Power Rangers except with less implicit racism.
This is the biggest machine ever made by anyone in history (Take THAT, ancient Egyptians with your faggy pyramids!). It was built to test some guy's theory of this that and the other thing, and it's 17 miles big. And when they switch it on this wednesday, we're all going to fucking die, forever.
Despite the device's hilarious name, it sadly does not look anything like this:
I bet you are full of questions at the moment. Some of them might include, "Why is this dick machine or whatever it is gonna kill me?", "What will the end of the world be like?", and "What unbelievable material is that cactus guy's wife's V made of?" These are all excellent questions, to which I have nary an answer. All I know is that I am scared. I'm scared of black holes and strangelets and giant colliding hardons and anything else that can destroy the earth in a matter of minutes. If you too would like to be scared shitless, I invite you to take a gander at this terrifying science video.
Try and have a good night's sleep this wednesday, I dare you. And if we're still here on thursday then I will have a giant fucking high-five waiting for you because, bro, we survived acocalypse.
Update: After several people rightly pointed out that this blog post makes no sense whatsoever, I have decided to post a link that actually explains what the Large Hadron Collider is. Here you go, friends.