Stupor Bowl

Unlike the rest of America, I don't give an eff about football. I never really got what all the fuss was about.


But when Super Bowl Sunday rolls around I, like a Jew at an Easter egg hunt and clambake, always feel like I am missing a great time. So this year I decided not only to attend a Super Bowl party, but to throw one! But, since I don't have cable and thus have no way to actually watch the big game, I have been forced to make up my own Super Bowl playbook. Here's how it's gonna go down:


I am going to enjoy eating delicious chicken wings. Notice in the image above how the wing will travel from the chicken directly to my eager mouth. It's gonna be cool.


Here's another time-tested play which results in the contents of a Pabst Blue Ribbon can making its way all the way from the Pabst brewery in Milwaukee right into my thirsty gullet. Goal!


Finally, once sated by wings and beer, I will no doubt enjoy the catchy Cambodian grooves of my new favorite musician, Sinn Sisamouth. Despite being executed by the Khmer Rouge, he still manages to delight my ears with his sonorous jingles.

It's clearly going to be the best day of my life. And, for you true football fans who can't imagine spending this holiest of days without watching a bunch of assholes fondle a weird-shaped ball, we can watch this treat from 1985 as many times as you'd like.

Gazing Wistfully Toward The Future

Now that Obama is officially the president and Bush is back at the Crawford Ranch drinking Bud and knocking his wife around, people are widely speculating about the changes that the next four years will bring. Obama has already made moves to shut down Guantanamo Bay, create transparency in his administration's inner-workings, and continue to casually lean against things.


So cool.

Here are some of my predictions regarding how Obama's presidency will change America:

1) "Must Be At Least This Tall To Be President" sign, depicting life-sized likeness of Obama, will prevent the short from ever attaining America's top political office. Resulting allegations of sexism and racism will be effortlessly rebuffed by Obama twirling a basketball on his finger while simultaneously curing a a child's blindness.



2) Malia Obama publishes tell-all sticker book. Inner-city youth literacy rates skyrocket.

3) The state of Texas secedes and is quickly invaded by Mexico. When faced with roaming Mexican death squads, Texas officials desperately claim that they were "just kidding" about the immigration thing and gladly offer their jobs to the new "hard working" Mexican overlords. Delicious quesadillas are enjoyed by all.



4) A brief but terrifying resurgence of the Polio virus will be quelled by a shocking cure: Obama's natural musk.



5) Cocaine still cool.



6) An estimated 2,300 separate hip-hop artists release tracks titled "Hail 2 Da Chief". Obama claims to not like them, but gives a subtle squint of self-satisfaction whenever any one of them plays on the oval office radio.

7) Obama simultaneously delights his daughters and rescues the failing Hollywood film industry by adopting a Kurt Russell Terrier.



I can't wait.

Uh oh, Spaghettios!

Hey Duso, Come On Out!

Okay. When I was in kindergarten, I touched my teacher's vagina. JK! That would have been weird. But one weird thing that I actually did experience in kindergarten was a strange little dolphin named Duso. He was a hand puppet that was brought to "life" by our guidance counselor, Mrs. Prince. Once every few weeks Mrs. Prince would come in to class, gather us around, and then pull this blue piece of fabric out of her magic bag. This was Duso, and he would lecture us about being a good person. I have told this story to countless piers of mine in the past few years, and none of them have any idea what I'm talking about. Allow me to enlighten...

DUSO stands for "Developing and Understanding of Self and Others". That's right. He was a tolerance dolphin. Click here to learn more.



This odd-looking fellow has placed his fist inside of Duso. It's OK though, because Duso accepts him and his perversions. In fact, Duso kind of likes it.

I recall having to sing a song to Duso encouraging him to come out and play with us. None of us knew the words. It was awkward. I also remember Duso singing a song called "Maybe You Laughed", about encounters with the less fortunate. Maybe I laughed? I definitely fuckin' laughed. Here are the lyrics:



Some hasty research reveals that this tune was penned by a woman named Janeen Brady, and that she's a Mormon who has songs included in the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints Songbook. Thank you, Lenox public schools, for giving me a great secular education!

New Year's Resolutions

Despite my previous, impassioned claims that nuclear war and/or excessive napping would bring the American empire to its bloodied knees by November of '07, we are still here. Goodbye shitty 2008, hello bright 'n shiny 2009! Remember that movie "Can't Buy Me Love", later remade as "Love Don't Cost a Thing", in which a nerdy student hires a popular girl to be friends with him so his social life will turn around? That shit was stupid. Cool cats like me take the initiative to change their lives without the aid of cheerleaders. We do so by making things called "resolutions". Look out, future. Here comes Andrew!



My resolutions for 2009:
1) Learn to play the violin.
2) Make romance with sexy women from all eight continents. (In 2009 we will discover an eighth continent. It will be called "Upper Antarcticon", and it will be sa-weeet!).
3) Become at least 14% bionic.
4) Learn how to play Sudoku. Just kidding. Sudoku is for a-holes.

The future is gonna rule.

I Am Sick

This is what I look like right now



In my weakened condition I have been unable to write anything for this blog. Also, the selfish mofos at Snack You Silly and Nate's Porno Review Site have been snatching up all of my creative energy. But I've been drinking tea and napping, and will surely be back to my normal, magnificent form in no time flat.

In the meantime, please enjoy these things:
Crappy band names
People getting hurt while bad music plays
This little girl is a racist