Gazing Wistfully Toward The Future

Now that Obama is officially the president and Bush is back at the Crawford Ranch drinking Bud and knocking his wife around, people are widely speculating about the changes that the next four years will bring. Obama has already made moves to shut down Guantanamo Bay, create transparency in his administration's inner-workings, and continue to casually lean against things.


So cool.

Here are some of my predictions regarding how Obama's presidency will change America:

1) "Must Be At Least This Tall To Be President" sign, depicting life-sized likeness of Obama, will prevent the short from ever attaining America's top political office. Resulting allegations of sexism and racism will be effortlessly rebuffed by Obama twirling a basketball on his finger while simultaneously curing a a child's blindness.



2) Malia Obama publishes tell-all sticker book. Inner-city youth literacy rates skyrocket.

3) The state of Texas secedes and is quickly invaded by Mexico. When faced with roaming Mexican death squads, Texas officials desperately claim that they were "just kidding" about the immigration thing and gladly offer their jobs to the new "hard working" Mexican overlords. Delicious quesadillas are enjoyed by all.



4) A brief but terrifying resurgence of the Polio virus will be quelled by a shocking cure: Obama's natural musk.



5) Cocaine still cool.



6) An estimated 2,300 separate hip-hop artists release tracks titled "Hail 2 Da Chief". Obama claims to not like them, but gives a subtle squint of self-satisfaction whenever any one of them plays on the oval office radio.

7) Obama simultaneously delights his daughters and rescues the failing Hollywood film industry by adopting a Kurt Russell Terrier.



I can't wait.