History in the Making

The number of hits that 413some has received spells out the year that World War II ended.

Suck it, Japan!

Things like this remind me why I hate America

And things like this remind me why I love America

Totally Free Berkshires

At about 11 AM today I was half-aware of the television blathering on in the background as I completed my morning routine of checking my email while gently weeping. My attention was grabbed, however, when a commercial named-dropped the Berkshires. It was an advertisement for an anti-drug website called TotallyFreeBerkshires.org, a site that is apparently endorsed by an ethnically diverse band of oddly dressed children. As always seems to happen when the place where I live is mentioned on the television, I ejaculated heartily. But after changing my pants I actually visited the website. I was greeted with strange sights and curious individuals, as well as condescending messages promoting a drug and alcohol free life. Here are some samples of the things I saw and the people I met.

Look at these smooth operators, Their facial hair says "I don't take orders from anyone!", their accessories scream "I think this photo shoot's stylist is high", and their angsty squints give off a fleeting hint of "I hope that stylist has more weed".

This is X-Box. He killed a guy. Part of his work release program involves community service, thus his appearance in this "totally 'hood" picture. Don't believe what the website says. X-Box totally does drugs.

Totally girlfriend? More like totally badass! This girl doesn't take shit from NO ONE! And she doesn't do drugs either. Maybe that's because she fucking 8 years old. Check back in 2018 and give her a urine test. Then we'll see.

"Hey guyz, I'm Trent, and I do whatever I want! Whether it's cultivating an awesome beard, fucking staring at the camera like a sexy panther, or appearing on a website next to the phrase "totally tat", I'm always doing stuff that my parents hate. Where did that stylist lady with the weed go?"

This rebellious lad enjoys being a vegan, working Saturdays at Hot Topic, and not yet realizing that he is a homosexual. He doesn't care about anything, especially about drugs, because drugs are for people who buy into the establishment. If he could see a glimpse of what he will be like in 10 years, he would cry. He would also probably do drugs.

So, aside from featuring photos of a bunch of super cool kids, what else does this website do?

Totally Free Berkshries also features a blog, and accepts submissions from the site's members. In order to take part in this blog I sent an email, as the website directed, to plands@berkshireunitedway.com. But I didn't want this email to give away my identity, so I decided to create a brand new email address. Since Drug.Free@gmail.com and I.Do.Not.Do.Drugs@gmail.com were already taken, I had to settle for I.Really.Enjoy.Cocaine@gmail.com. Using this address, I sent Totally Free Berkshires the following email:

I will keep you updated as I contribute pearls of drug-free wisdom to the Totally Free Berkshires blog.

Some People Are Fucking Retarded

This buffoonish lass is named Kimberley Vlaeminck.

She is filing a lawsuit against tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz. Vlaeminck claims that she asked Rousian to tattoo three small stars next to her eyelid, but that she dozed off during the procedure and awoke to find 56 stars adorning her cheek. She claims that the artist didn't speak very good English or French (two languages that she, a Belgian, speaks fluently), and that he totally misunderstood her request.

This is artist Rouslan Toumaniantz, who swears that Vlaeminck clearly asked for the 56 stars, and that she was wide awake and even looking in a mirror throughout the course of the procedure.

Sadly for Vlaeminck, even a £10,000 court victory won't un-ruin her face.

I like the fact that the “sexy” logo on her belt seems to be slowly sneaking away, having realized that it no longer applies to the body to which it’s strapped. In order to get to the bottom of this story, I have sent a Facebook friend request to the tattooed Belgian. I will keep you updated as this pursuit develops.

UPDATE!!!

While Kimberley has yet to approve my Facebook friend request, she did admit to the media that she was lying the whole fucking time! Here's a headline that appeared on MailOnline today:

She went on to admit that she was indeed awake during the procedure and was quite happy with her tattoo until her father saw it and flew into a rage. What her father clearly failed to realize is that his daughter's face can now be used to help navigate on the open sea. I will make sure to bring this to her attention as soon as she accepts my friend request. Just click "approve", Kimberley. You've already got 56 stars on your face, so you might as well have one internet star on your friend list.

An Inquiry into Notable Historical Figures: David Carradine

Perhaps best known to older audiences for his work in the seminal martial arts television series Kung Fu and to younger audiences for his portrayal of the titular character in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill films, David Carradine totally died last week while whacking off in a hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. BANG-KOK! You can't make this shit up.

After a decades-long, illustrious career of acting in acclaimed projects that appeared on both the small and large screen, and staging a recent comeback as a seemingly enlightened ninja possessing the suaveness of Clint Eastwood in his prime, David Carradine saw fit to choke himself out with a shoelace while beating his junk like Uma Thurman beat that black chick in the kitchen scene at the beginning of Kill Bill.

Way to go, A-hole!

Wait, I'm confused

This is singer and actress Dinah Shore.

Dinah Shore? I thought those things went exshtinct 65 million years ago!

Baby Animals: Cute or Not?

Human babies are ugly as sin. There, I said it. Done. It's official. I know that this stance won't make me popular, but I just don't see what all the fuss is about. While rooms full of adults uncontrollably squeal with delight when an infant is in their midst, I just see babies as gross little larvae that leak from every opening. They look like obese old men in a post-stroke stupor, blabbering on about who-the-hell-knows-what and glancing all about with their soulless little eyes. Also, their undies have turds in them. But enough about humans and their shortcomings. It's time to scour the animal kingdom in search of the cutest baby. Let's get started. 

Baby Koala

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION based on the absurd, marshmallow-like appearance of this little beast. It's a cheap kind of cuteness, the kind you find at CVS in the "Easter decorations" aisle. NEXT!

Baby Penguin

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because penguins are birds. And as far as I'm concerned, birds are nothing more that evil little dinosaurs on the inside. No soul = de facto failure. 

Baby Hippo

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION on the grounds that baby hippos look exactly like adult hippos, only smaller. I mean, COME ON!

Baby Kangaroo

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION due to the unacceptable leg-to-body ratio. If you saw a human toddler with the legs of an Olympic runner you'd probably throw up in your mouth a little bit. Well thank you, Mr. Baby Kangaroo, for making me fucking sick in my tummy. 

Baby Giraffe

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION based on that bowl cut. I sported a similar style for all of middle school. I regret it to this day. So many tears I shed. 

Baby Tarsier

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION due to this animal's resemblance to the mythical Mogwai which, when drenched in water, transforms into the murderous Gremlin that all but ruined Christmas back in 1984. 

Baby Sloth

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION resulting from this animal's inclusion amongst the seven deadly sins. You wouldn't find a "baby gluttony" very cute, would you? Case in point.

Baby Hedgehog

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because these things look what I imagine an inside-out testicle would look like if you covered it with spikes. F-.

Baby Bat

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because "you are what you eat", and bats eat bugs. And I'll be damned if a bug is going to make it onto my list.

Baby Fox

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because these things are physically unable to open their eyes when they're born. Who wants an animals that's not even fully formed when it comes out of the oven? If a human baby were born with a half-developed face it would find its way into an orphanage faster than you can say "euthanasia". 

Baby Otter

And we have a winner! Whether being incredibly adorable while rubbing their faces together or being incredibly adorable while jovially swimming about in the sea, baby otters are the most lovable animals in the world. Keep it up, you cute little fuckers.