Monday, June 8, 2009

Baby Animals: Cute or Not?

Human babies are ugly as sin. There, I said it. Done. It's official. I know that this stance won't make me popular, but I just don't see what all the fuss is about. While rooms full of adults uncontrollably squeal with delight when an infant is in their midst, I just see babies as gross little larvae that leak from every opening. They look like obese old men in a post-stroke stupor, blabbering on about who-the-hell-knows-what and glancing all about with their soulless little eyes. Also, their undies have turds in them. But enough about humans and their shortcomings. It's time to scour the animal kingdom in search of the cutest baby. Let's get started. 

Baby Koala

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION based on the absurd, marshmallow-like appearance of this little beast. It's a cheap kind of cuteness, the kind you find at CVS in the "Easter decorations" aisle. NEXT!

Baby Penguin

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because penguins are birds. And as far as I'm concerned, birds are nothing more that evil little dinosaurs on the inside. No soul = de facto failure. 

Baby Hippo

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION on the grounds that baby hippos look exactly like adult hippos, only smaller. I mean, COME ON!

Baby Kangaroo

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION due to the unacceptable leg-to-body ratio. If you saw a human toddler with the legs of an Olympic runner you'd probably throw up in your mouth a little bit. Well thank you, Mr. Baby Kangaroo, for making me fucking sick in my tummy. 

Baby Giraffe

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION based on that bowl cut. I sported a similar style for all of middle school. I regret it to this day. So many tears I shed. 

Baby Tarsier

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION due to this animal's resemblance to the mythical Mogwai which, when drenched in water, transforms into the murderous Gremlin that all but ruined Christmas back in 1984. 

Baby Sloth

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION resulting from this animal's inclusion amongst the seven deadly sins. You wouldn't find a "baby gluttony" very cute, would you? Case in point.

Baby Hedgehog

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because these things look what I imagine an inside-out testicle would look like if you covered it with spikes. F-.

Baby Bat

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because "you are what you eat", and bats eat bugs. And I'll be damned if a bug is going to make it onto my list.

Baby Fox

IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION because these things are physically unable to open their eyes when they're born. Who wants an animals that's not even fully formed when it comes out of the oven? If a human baby were born with a half-developed face it would find its way into an orphanage faster than you can say "euthanasia". 

Baby Otter

And we have a winner! Whether being incredibly adorable while rubbing their faces together or being incredibly adorable while jovially swimming about in the sea, baby otters are the most lovable animals in the world. Keep it up, you cute little fuckers. 


Nicholas said...

yer funny

RUN-N-L8 said...


but those hedgehog really do look like balls..

Sally Dae said...

Anonymous said...

Those otters dont even swim in the ocean.....