Totally Free Berkshires

At about 11 AM today I was half-aware of the television blathering on in the background as I completed my morning routine of checking my email while gently weeping. My attention was grabbed, however, when a commercial named-dropped the Berkshires. It was an advertisement for an anti-drug website called TotallyFreeBerkshires.org, a site that is apparently endorsed by an ethnically diverse band of oddly dressed children. As always seems to happen when the place where I live is mentioned on the television, I ejaculated heartily. But after changing my pants I actually visited the website. I was greeted with strange sights and curious individuals, as well as condescending messages promoting a drug and alcohol free life. Here are some samples of the things I saw and the people I met.

Look at these smooth operators, Their facial hair says "I don't take orders from anyone!", their accessories scream "I think this photo shoot's stylist is high", and their angsty squints give off a fleeting hint of "I hope that stylist has more weed".

This is X-Box. He killed a guy. Part of his work release program involves community service, thus his appearance in this "totally 'hood" picture. Don't believe what the website says. X-Box totally does drugs.

Totally girlfriend? More like totally badass! This girl doesn't take shit from NO ONE! And she doesn't do drugs either. Maybe that's because she fucking 8 years old. Check back in 2018 and give her a urine test. Then we'll see.

"Hey guyz, I'm Trent, and I do whatever I want! Whether it's cultivating an awesome beard, fucking staring at the camera like a sexy panther, or appearing on a website next to the phrase "totally tat", I'm always doing stuff that my parents hate. Where did that stylist lady with the weed go?"

This rebellious lad enjoys being a vegan, working Saturdays at Hot Topic, and not yet realizing that he is a homosexual. He doesn't care about anything, especially about drugs, because drugs are for people who buy into the establishment. If he could see a glimpse of what he will be like in 10 years, he would cry. He would also probably do drugs.

So, aside from featuring photos of a bunch of super cool kids, what else does this website do?

Totally Free Berkshries also features a blog, and accepts submissions from the site's members. In order to take part in this blog I sent an email, as the website directed, to plands@berkshireunitedway.com. But I didn't want this email to give away my identity, so I decided to create a brand new email address. Since Drug.Free@gmail.com and I.Do.Not.Do.Drugs@gmail.com were already taken, I had to settle for I.Really.Enjoy.Cocaine@gmail.com. Using this address, I sent Totally Free Berkshires the following email:

I will keep you updated as I contribute pearls of drug-free wisdom to the Totally Free Berkshires blog.