Jesus - With You Always

Have you even wondered what the best website on the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET is? Well wonder no longer, my misguided amigo, because I have located it for you. I'm not going to waste your time. Here's the site in question right here --> Jesus - With You Always. The artwork on this website is created by a gentleman by the name of Larry Van Pelt who, at the age of 50, decided to devote his entire life to producing drawings that depict the presence of Jesus in everyday life situations. The one problem was that Mr. Van Pelt had no drawing experience whatsoever. So he devoted a full 10 years to the drawings what you see on this website. I highly recommend that you read his story and ponder every drawing. But to simplify things, I've selected some of the choicest images and added appropriate captions. I invite you to take a gander...

"It's $20 for a half hour alone with the kid. $50 if you want me to take pictures."

"For someone with no dental experience, you're doing a pretty adequate job!"

"Way to play the faggiest instrument ever, queer!"

"So, uh, I see that you're trying to shove that metal rod into that cliff face. I know I'm not supposed to judge anyone, but dude, get a fuckin' life."

"Free Bird!"

"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight..."

"Hee hee hee! Lookit the silly monkey man playing with his stupid monkey sticks!"

"It's ok, man. It happens to lotsa guys."

"You know what I always say. If there's grass on the field, play ball!"

"Ok dude. You've almost got the hand thing down. Just pull your three lower fingers in further. It's really not that hard. Just pretend you're finger-blasting a virgin."

"So, you've got 3 more years in Iraq, huh? Sucks to be you, bro. Don't pray to me, by the way, cause I've got this girl I'm pretty much spending all my time with. She's a PROFESSIONAL CONTORTIONIST! So, uh, try to avoid those land mines, I guess."

"Y'ever been to third base with the fucking SON OF GOD?!? Just put down that retarded book and take your shirt off."

"So do you like the Adderall? I know a guy who can get a bunch more. $5 a pill."

"Dude, I don't care if you're gonna fuck the dog. I really don't. But, for the collie's sake, please at least slather your bone with some vaseline or something."

"I told you I'd pay for half the abortion, baby."

Let's Talk About LeVar Burton

Our world is full of uncertainty, of constant change. But one force that remained stable throughout my childhood was the presence of a man. His name is LeVar Burton, and he has many, diverse talents.

Some may recall Mr. Burton from his portrayal of the enslaved African youth Kunta Kinte on the televised miniseries Roots. Remember that scene where the white slave-driver guy kept whipping Kunta Kinte because he refused to denounce his African name? That shit was badass.

And then, as if LeVar hadn't made enough of an impact on the collective consciousness of the United States, he blew our fucking minds as Geordi La Forge, the kinda-blind black dude on the deck of the Starship Enterprise. He was calm, cool, smart, and always ready to take over the Enterprise's bridge if Captain Jean Luc Picard needed to sneak off to the Holodeck to pretend to be a 1940s film noir detective and fingerbang sexy detective babes. The entire Starfleet owes Chief Engineer La Forge a debt of gratitude.

The visor says "I can see into your soul", the pursed lips say "I don't fuck around", and the flowery signature says "I am a flaming homosexual".

And then, as if he hadn't done enough, LaVar hosted a little television program called READING FUCKING RAINBOW! If you were born between the years of 1980 and 1985, then this show taught you how to be smart. And LeVar made it all sound so fun!

Oh, and guess fucking what?! Remember that fucking AWESOME cartoon Captain Planet and the Planeteers? Well, you may recall a young, idealistic planateer by the name of Kwame, who possessed the power of "Earth".

Any guesses as to the actor who voiced young Kwame? If you guessed Morgan Freeman then you're a complete retard, cause the answer is clearly LeVar Burton! Where do this man's talents end?!?!?!

So, Monsieur Burton, here's to you! Whether teaching me about racial relations, intergalactic ethics, the importance of literary pursuits, or environmental awareness, you have affected my life in countless ways. And for this, my friend, I thank you.

My Doctor Says That I Can Swear At You!

It's official. I have been SHITFUCKER actually diagnosed with BONER TOOTHPICK Tourette Syondrome. I kid you not. In the recent weeks I've had a series of POONTANG QUEEFTURDS meetings with very professional doctors who, after careful consideration of my situation, have concluded that I have, hitherto unbeknownst to me, been a victim of this peculiar RAPECUCUMBER CUNT-HUMMER mental disorder since early childhood. Have you ever noticed me make strange facial movements? An increased amount of blinking, a clicking of the jaw, a FAGGOT HITLER twitching of the nose, the sudden speaking of random words? These uncontrollable facial and vocal tics are, according to my psychopharmacologist, symptoms of this CUMNIGGER mental disorder. So, friends, I don't ask for your sympathy as I come to terms with my psychological peculiarities. All I ask is that if, during our daily interactions, I say or do anything that strikes you as odd or out-of-place, that you take into account the fact that OCTOPUS DICK I am struggling with an insidious mental disorder. But I sincerely hope that this I PISSED IN YOUR LATTE doesn't make things weird between us.

Guess What?!? I Am A Baller!

Friends, I've been a very busy individual as of late. I've been working full time, maintaining two time-consuming websites (irrationalgeographic.wordpress.com and lenoxcoffee.wordpress.com), and masturbating compulsively. Since I am trying to accomplish so much, I've decided that I need to give myself a confidence boost. So this 413some post is devoted to me making myself feel like a motherfuckin' baller. Here we go...

Here's what I look like when I'm being incredibly sophisticated while reclining in a hot tub. You can't see it in this photo, but there were super sexy babes, like, everywhere!

Check out this photo of a total fucking babe flirting super hard with me. See how she's flirtaciously touching my hips and smiling at me? That's because she really, really wants to mate with me. Yeah, that happens sometimes.

This is what I look like in my natural environment. I only feel comfortable when surrounded by Benjamins. In the absence of Benjamins, I feel naked.

But my status as a baller is no recent phenomenon. Since a very early age, I have felt the irresistible urge to surround myself with babes. Here's a photo of me at the age of six being incredibly charming to a whole yard full of ladies.

Yeah, being awesome is totally great.

I am Incredibly Fucking Professional

Due directly to the mature, professional devotion that I feel toward my place of employment, I have started a website called "Lookin' Good, Lenox Coffee!" This whimsical mire of photogenie is sure to put a smile on the lips of anyone familiar with Lenox Coffee and its diverse clientele. So take a gander, why dontcha? Click here to see what all the fuss is about, and come into Lenox Coffee if you want your face to appear on the Berkshires' hippest new blog. Your chances of making it onto to the site are greatly increased if you are a) nice to me, and b) bonerlicious.