These People Are Not Real!

As a small child it can be difficult to separate fantasy from reality. I still have problems going upstairs in my house alone because, dammit, one of these days that dismembered corpse is gonna be up there. While a large portion of my earlier years was spent running from dinosaurs in the bushes and ceaselessly trying to catch that darn garden snake (that motherfucker is still on the lam), I also had the distinct pleasure of watching lots of television. My TV friends were no less real than my Hebrew School friends, and were a whole lot better looking. This is why it has literally taken me decades to heal the psychological scars that these fictional characters made on my young mind. Please bear with my while I air out my emotional dirty laundry.

1) Dear Winnie Cooper, FUCK YOU.

Thank you very much, Winnie Effing Cooper, for leading every boy my age to believe that somewhere out there is a soot-covered hippie girl who wants to make out with them on a rock in the woods after her brother gets killed in Vietnam. After having spent years hanging out with genuine hippie girls, and even making out with some of them in the woods, I can tell you that they a) do not really evoke the kind of preteen infatuation that has the force to drive the drama of an entire television series, and b) do not really call you "Kevin". You know why this is the case? It's because Winnie Cooper is a product of the frustrated imagination of some horny, lecherous TV producer who spent years pining away over some girl who refused to give him an HJ in the 6th grade.

This is Danica McKellar. She is real, and apparently a skankeroo. Unlike Winnie Cooper, Danica will be glad to give you that HJ.


2) Dear Ferris Bueller and Zack Morris, I cordially invite you to eat a dick.


When I was young we used to have something called "the 80s". It was a time before the internet, before iPhones, and before I realized that Ferris Bueller's Day Off wasn't a documentary. A few years later a little something called "the 90s" came along, and before I knew it I was hanging out with Zack Morris and the gang at The Max every day after school. This was the first time I ever met a black person.


"Guess what, preteen boy who's watching this. If you carelessly amble through life and shirk all your obligations while at the same time cooking up one cockamamie scheme after another, you will not only have naturally perfect hair but you will also become a babe magnet. And dammit, you'll one-up that meddling principal if it's the last thing you do.....before GRADUATION! WOOOO!"

Ok, Ferris and Zack may have never uttered these exact words, but this is the sentiment they conveyed to me. It is the second worst advice I ever received from the television (the first was to tattoo my own penis with charcoal and a sewing needle. Damn you, National Geographic Channel!) Remember how Ferris Bueller rigged his room with wires and a computer and shit to make it look like he was in bed rolling around and coughing when actually he was finger-blasting Sloan Peterson at a Chicago Bears game? Tried it. Doesn't work. And you know how when Zack looks at the camera and says "Hold it!" everyone else freezes? That doesn't work either. In fact, instead of freezing, everyone just looks where you're looking to try to figure out what the heck you're carrying on about. Usually it's a wall, and then they think you're weird. This is because Ferris and Zack are fake, and are actually actors who are now old and irrelevant. Here's what the real Ferris Bueller looks like when he's sitting next to an old man.

"Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. Except jism."

3) Denver the Last Dinosaur

Turns out he was a cartoon the whole time. I guess he wasn't really "my friend and a whole lot more". Way to jerk off that pink guitar you fake piece of shit.

4) Same thing goes for you, Maid Marion.

You are a fake fucking fox slut who loves getting triple-teamed by Robin Hood, Little John, and Friar Tuck. I USED TO LOVE YOU AND YOU BETRAYED ME!

5) Kurt Loder = Redemption
Oh, Kurt. Out of the two Kurts who mattered to me in the early 90s, you were almost my favorite. Even though you were in your, jeez, I dunno, mid 50s I guess when everyone else at MTV was 23, you still taught me how to be a good man.

Sorry the years haven't treated you so well, bro. Also, sorry they don't put you on TV anymore. Kurt? Are you still alive? You were looking pretty rough around the edges back there in '92. Hope the retirement home at least has a VCR so you can watch old clips of yourself announcing Biggie's death while staring at your limp beef jerky penis trying so very hard to remember what it was like to get an erection. Maybe it'll help if you think of that time you nailed Serena Altschul at the '96 VMAs.