THIS JUST IN: JFK Was a Poonslayer

Check out this newly-released photograph, apparently taken in the mid-1950s, which purportedly shows John "Fingerblast" Kennedy riding in a boat full of naked babes.



This gives new meaning to the old seafarers' adage, "Boat full of fishermen, early to bed. Boat full of babes, shot in the head."

Thanks?

The following is a list of anagrams for the word "Thanksgiving":



Tang King Shiv, eh? That reminds of me of that knife fight I got into in the middle of a Grecian orgy. Shit got CRAY-CRAY! Good thing the Saving Knight was there to protect us.

Happy Birthday, Evan!

Worse Than Getting Cock-Blocked...

...getting Nutt sacked.

Makin' Fun Of People Who Are More Talented Than Me

In high school, I learned of the rich symbolism embedded in the masterworks of Renaissance painters such as Pieter Bruegel, Artemisia Gentileschi, and Michelangelo Caravaggio, They told tales of mortality, love, loss, and religious devotions. Recently unearthed parchments, however, have shattered such notions. They were actually about sex and tacos and stuff.

9/11 Jesus

Remember that time when super giant Jesus hovered above the World Trade Center and sucked all those people's bodies up into the sky? And then, once all the people were safe, he made the buildings fall over? 9/11 Jesus, you so crazy!

You're Welcome, Ladies!

Friends, sometimes the universe drops true love right in your lap. And sometimes the universe makes your stoned friends write a fake entry on Craigslist's infamous "Missed Connections" forum in order to fuck with you. Well, today, one of those two things has happened to me. My sister informed me that the following post was added to the Western Mass section of Missed Connections on the 21st of October:

Here is a link to the post so that you can better peruse the words of my soulmate/asshole friend.

Now, being a proud member of the Cartesian tradition of skepticism, I must consider both whether it is in fact I to whom this Craigslist post refers, and whether it was posted in earnest by a lonely lass or is instead the mischievous handiwork of one of my many, many dipshit "friends". Let's break this down, step by step.

So I made a delicious latte, eh? WRONG! I do work at Lenox Coffee, but the lattes that I make taste like a combination of chicory, disdain, and testicles (mine). This is my first reason for doubting the sincerity of this Craigslist post.

Ok, so I do have fucking STUNNING eyes, but I never "stand" behind the counter. My posture whilst at work is more akin to the lazed slouch of a male silverback gorilla kept in captivity, defeated yet feral. Also, sometimes I bend over to lap spilt half-and-half off of the floor mats. Rich in calcium. Good for the bones.

Yes, yes, I do also work at the Dream Away Lodge, a delightful bar and restaurant nestled in the remote woods of Becket, MA. But, and here's where my forensic psychological insight comes into play, only someone who is trying to pull the proverbial wool over my eyes would name-drop the Dream Away. So, my suspicion is now officially raised. If a random coffee shop babe actually wanted to get my attention, she'd no doubt emphasize the masculine curvature of my jaw or the impressive girth of the erection that perpetually sprouts from betwixt my thighs. The very mention of the Dream Away arouses a degree of suspicion in me. Could someone close to me perhaps be trying to lure me into a trap, be it of a humorous, anti-Semitic, or psycho-sexual nature?

Ok, let's clear something up right fucking now. Lenox Coffee's vanilla flavor shots are, indeed, quite saturated with sugar. But my general disposition while at work is far from sweet. This one time, I cock-punched a young, Asian tourist just for looking at me cross-ways. So this compliment is clearly fabricated.

Ummmm, I read EVERYTHING! Moby Dick? I read that shit! That weird Masonic tombstone in the graveyard in downtown Lenox? Yeah, I read that too. And the subtitles to the 2001 Mexican film "Y Tu Mama Tambien"? I don't care for wetback cinema. But I read pretty much anything else. Craigslist trickster, you've missed the mark big time!

So, little miss "Amazing Latte", I have one of two things to say to you. If you are in fact a single-and-ready-to-mingle babe who is attracted to my mind, body, and perma-boner, then I invite you to come back and visit me at the coffee shop. But this time, order a less faggy drink. And, if this Craigslist post was indeed perpetrated by a malicious acquaintance of mine, then I thank you for contributing to my internet celebrity. And maybe if you play your cards right, I'll give you a nice, fat shot of vanilla in your next latte (read: vanilla: dude sludge, latte: face).

UPDATE:

I have decided that, whether this romantic overture is in fact in earnest or is the nefarious ploy of one of my countless enemies, a reply was in order. I have sent the following response to the titillating post, and am eager to see what sort of response I receive. I will keep you updated regarding how this plays out. Has the love of my life just fallen into my lap? Or is one of the fuckers who works at the coffee shop with me trying to get a laugh at good ol' Andrew's expense? Only time will tell.

Train Baby

So here's something retarded that happened yesterday in India.

Long story short: A pregnant woman is riding on a train, the baby pops out while she's sitting on the toilet, and the newborn falls right through the toilet (way to go, Indian train toilet designers!) onto the tracks. Here's how it officially went down:

So, Indian train toilet baby, welcome to the world! Seeing as you were born while your mom was trying to take a crap and then you fell through the floor of a FUCKING SPEEDING TRAIN and onto the tracks while still dripping with amniotic fluid and mom turds, it's all up hill from here. If nothing else, this'll make a great story for you to tell on first dates. "Oh, you were born by C-section? Well I was crapped out of a fucking train's butthole!" Pure gold.

Can a Jew Catch Swine Flu?

I am sick as shit. Mr brain feels like it's trying to queef itself out of my eyes via my lower intestine. I'm going to visit my doctor tomorrow to see if I am afflicted by the dreaded Swine Flu, a disease that originated amongst these filthy beasts:

Apparently spreading from swine to humans first in Mexico and then making its way north, carried by the great busboy and landscaper migration of 2009, Swine Flu has been dubbed a pandemic by the media. But a question that has yet to be addressed is, "Can a Jew catch Swine Flu?" Wouldn't that kinda be like a Hindu getting Foot-and-Mouth disease, or a Muslim calling in sick with a hangover?

Let's find out together. If I am in fact carrying Swine Flu, then what's next for the Jews? Clam Migraines? Cheeseburger Herpes? Hitler Pox? Yeah, being a Jew is really hard. Except for the whole "controlling the media and instigating all of the world's wars" thing. That part is pretty sa-weet!

L'Chaim, L'Chaim, To Life! (or death, as the case may be)

Rape Tunnel

I was recently informed about the latest installation piece by artist Richard Winehouse. Entitled "Rape Tunnel", it takes the form of a long, darkened passageway constructed of wooden beams. This is what the Rape Tunnel looks like:

In keeping with the piece's title, Winehouse claims, in his artist's statement, that he will rape anyone who walks through it. This project comes in the wake of his previous piece, the "PUNCH-YOU-IN-THE-FACE TUNNEL", which resulted in a lawsuit when he broke a model's nose. Do you think I'm leading you on? How dare you!?! I outta rape-punch you for doubting my sincerity! Here's an article that lends legitimacy to my claims. Now, part of me respects Mr. Winehouse for pushing the boundaries of what is considered "art" in a climate in which it seems as though every boundary has already been pushed, ever avenue trodden down countless times. But another part of me concludes that he a rapist. So here are some less severe suggestions I have for Mr. Winehouse as he conceptualizes future artistic undertakings:

1) Owl Turds Tunnel: Same basic idea, except there's owl shit EVERYWHERE. You can finger the owls, but only if they consent.

2) Grape Tunnel: Fun for the whole family! White attire is not recommended.

3) Rape-Whistle Tunnel: An exuberant lesbian teaches art enthusiasts about rape prevention. Day-glo orange rape whistles are included in the entree fee.

4) Ape Tunnel: Ape boners fuckin' EVERYWHERE! Wear your rain poncho, cause shit gonna get CRAZY!

5) Crepe Tunnel: Come hungry, leave raped! (Title may be construed as misleading)

6) Cape Funnel: Dracula is here to PAR-TAY!

7) Rape Mirror: Can a person rape themselves? Only one way to find out! And that way is to cut a small hole cut into the mirror. And on the other side of that hole: party Dracula from idea 6!

So, am I sitting on the cutting fucking edge of artistic vision or what? While Mr. Winehouse is crouching in his tunnel, greasing up his wiener and hoping a fat dude doesn't walk in, I remain here, in the realm of the anonymous internet, greasing up my wiener and hoping that True Blood is on. Have a Rape-Tunnel-worthy day!

Lookin' Extramarital, Lenox Coffee!

True story: I was bar tending at the Dream Away Lodge in Becket, MA last night. There was a jovial bar crowd full of faces both new and familiar. One new face belonged to a pretty lady who leaned against the bar and made chit-chat with me while I mixed cocktails. It came up in conversation that she was new to the Berkshires, and that I work at Lenox Coffee (both details are important to this story). When she mentioned that she frequents Lenox Coffee, I informed her that I work there, and that I'm responsible for the fucking amazing phenomenon known as "Lookin' Good, Lenox Coffee!". Her face instantly blanched, and she said (I kid you not), "You are partially responsible for my divorce." After I gawked at her in a stupor, she elaborated that she had recently come to the Berkshires on a trip, in part to gain some distance from a less-than-exemplary marriage in Philadelphia. It turns out that the photo of her that appeared on Lookin' Good, Lenox Coffee! included her and a gentleman friend of hers. When her husband saw this photo, he flew into a jealous rage which led to the finalization of their divorce. So now I may add to my list of titles, which already includes barista, bar tender, writer, A-hole, and drunkard, the label "home-wrecker". Would you like your marriage to be torn asunder? Well then I recommend that you frequent my blogs! Even if I don't cause you to get a divorce, I'll surely fuck you up in someway or another. Destruction is just in my nature, it seems. I apologize in advance.

LeVar Burton Update!

Get this! It turns out that a friend of mine knows LeVar Burton personally and may be able to put me in touch with him! So there is a chance that, in the not too distant future, 413some will proudly display my interview with LEVAR MORTHERFUCKING BURTON and his opinions regarding my proposed Halloween costume and the state of racial relations in the United States in the 21st century. I will keep you updated as this story develops.

I can't fucking wait.

Andrew Flint: Pioneer of Racial Relations

In my unending quest to simultaneously be as cool as possible and to also make the world a better place, I have embarked upon a treacherous journey. My plan, as it stands, is to dress as Star Trek: The Next Generation's Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge for Halloween this year. I selected this character due to his coolness under pressure and to his superior eye-wear. This is what Geordi La Forge looks like:

La Forge was portrayed by thespian LeVar Burton, an individual who I discussed at length on this very blog a few weeks ago. Now, for those of you who don't know me personally, I am white. But since La Forge is clearly of African descent, make-up would be necessary to make me resemble him (make-up being a normal part many Halloween costumes). However, this presents me with a certain conundrum. The application of brown make-up to a white man's face has an unfortunate history in the United States. It could potentially conjure up memories of Minstrel Shows, the racist comedy performances popular during the post-Civil-War era.

So how am I, as a sensitive white man, to go about assessing whether or not it is appropriate for me to dress as one of my favorite television characters for Halloween? At the advice of my mother, I decided to try to get my information straight from the horse's mouth. I emailed LeVar Burton. Yes, he's a celebrity. But, honestly, how long has it been since you've heard his name mentioned in any sort of legitimate media? The peak of his career is clearly over, having crested somewhere around '94. So I sent a message to the "contact" email address on his homepage, LeVarBurton.com. Here is what I said:

I eagerly await Mr. Burton's reply. While discussing this potential Halloween costume with various acquaintances, I have encountered mixed responses. Some claim that such a costume would be too tainted by racist associations to be socially acceptable. Other, primarily those who are fellow fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation, think that the costume would be FUCKING AWESOME. So, since I myself am no King Soloman, I have left it up to LeVar Burton, Kunta Kinte himself, to determine whether I, Andrew Flint, in an Obama-is-the-president era, can un-offensively dress as Geordi La Forge for Halloween. For those of you who cannot imagine what I'd look like dressed as Engineer La Forge, here is an artistic approximation:

So, whaddya think? Please comment on this post with your thoughts regarding my potential costume. And I will certainly keep you updated if LeVar himself ever responds to me.

Jesus - With You Always

Have you even wondered what the best website on the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET is? Well wonder no longer, my misguided amigo, because I have located it for you. I'm not going to waste your time. Here's the site in question right here --> Jesus - With You Always. The artwork on this website is created by a gentleman by the name of Larry Van Pelt who, at the age of 50, decided to devote his entire life to producing drawings that depict the presence of Jesus in everyday life situations. The one problem was that Mr. Van Pelt had no drawing experience whatsoever. So he devoted a full 10 years to the drawings what you see on this website. I highly recommend that you read his story and ponder every drawing. But to simplify things, I've selected some of the choicest images and added appropriate captions. I invite you to take a gander...

"It's $20 for a half hour alone with the kid. $50 if you want me to take pictures."

"For someone with no dental experience, you're doing a pretty adequate job!"

"Way to play the faggiest instrument ever, queer!"

"So, uh, I see that you're trying to shove that metal rod into that cliff face. I know I'm not supposed to judge anyone, but dude, get a fuckin' life."

"Free Bird!"

"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight..."

"Hee hee hee! Lookit the silly monkey man playing with his stupid monkey sticks!"

"It's ok, man. It happens to lotsa guys."

"You know what I always say. If there's grass on the field, play ball!"

"Ok dude. You've almost got the hand thing down. Just pull your three lower fingers in further. It's really not that hard. Just pretend you're finger-blasting a virgin."

"So, you've got 3 more years in Iraq, huh? Sucks to be you, bro. Don't pray to me, by the way, cause I've got this girl I'm pretty much spending all my time with. She's a PROFESSIONAL CONTORTIONIST! So, uh, try to avoid those land mines, I guess."

"Y'ever been to third base with the fucking SON OF GOD?!? Just put down that retarded book and take your shirt off."

"So do you like the Adderall? I know a guy who can get a bunch more. $5 a pill."

"Dude, I don't care if you're gonna fuck the dog. I really don't. But, for the collie's sake, please at least slather your bone with some vaseline or something."

"I told you I'd pay for half the abortion, baby."

Let's Talk About LeVar Burton

Our world is full of uncertainty, of constant change. But one force that remained stable throughout my childhood was the presence of a man. His name is LeVar Burton, and he has many, diverse talents.

Some may recall Mr. Burton from his portrayal of the enslaved African youth Kunta Kinte on the televised miniseries Roots. Remember that scene where the white slave-driver guy kept whipping Kunta Kinte because he refused to denounce his African name? That shit was badass.

And then, as if LeVar hadn't made enough of an impact on the collective consciousness of the United States, he blew our fucking minds as Geordi La Forge, the kinda-blind black dude on the deck of the Starship Enterprise. He was calm, cool, smart, and always ready to take over the Enterprise's bridge if Captain Jean Luc Picard needed to sneak off to the Holodeck to pretend to be a 1940s film noir detective and fingerbang sexy detective babes. The entire Starfleet owes Chief Engineer La Forge a debt of gratitude.

The visor says "I can see into your soul", the pursed lips say "I don't fuck around", and the flowery signature says "I am a flaming homosexual".

And then, as if he hadn't done enough, LaVar hosted a little television program called READING FUCKING RAINBOW! If you were born between the years of 1980 and 1985, then this show taught you how to be smart. And LeVar made it all sound so fun!

Oh, and guess fucking what?! Remember that fucking AWESOME cartoon Captain Planet and the Planeteers? Well, you may recall a young, idealistic planateer by the name of Kwame, who possessed the power of "Earth".

Any guesses as to the actor who voiced young Kwame? If you guessed Morgan Freeman then you're a complete retard, cause the answer is clearly LeVar Burton! Where do this man's talents end?!?!?!

So, Monsieur Burton, here's to you! Whether teaching me about racial relations, intergalactic ethics, the importance of literary pursuits, or environmental awareness, you have affected my life in countless ways. And for this, my friend, I thank you.