Meet Your Local Barista #2

This is Nathan.


Nathan has been working at Lenox Coffee since he was twelve. He is also amazing with the ladies. Nathan lost his virginity when he was six weeks old. What a stud. This is what Nathan looks like when he hold a motorcycle helmet with a flaming skull in it. Total stud.

Nathan is a Renaissance man. His hobbies include talking like Dane Cook and trimming his chin-strap beard like a Latino gangster. He is also a professional panther wrangler and lion fister. Nathan also enjoys hanging out with his very sexy girlfriend and drinking.

Meet Your Local Barista

This is Ryan


He is the manager of Lenox Coffee. Ryan's hobbies include eating cold hotdogs and naming his children after characters on Alias. Managing the coffee shop allows Ryan the opportunity to interact with the community face to face, which he loves. When not working, Ryan can often be found playing video games and weeping gently.

More "Meet Your Local Barista" entries to come.

Let's Talk About Burritos

Some might say that talking about burritos is like chewing gum about calculus. Those people are retarded. Let's talk about burritos.

I want you inside me.

Burritos are one of the two best foods. The other is watermelon. "But what about delicious cheese?" you might ask. Well I say throw that shit in a burrito. Steak? Burrito! Guacamole? Burrito! Lobster? Why the fuck not...Burrito! Watermelon is the only awesome food that you can't put in a burrito.

I used to live in San Francisco. Everyone in San Francisco is a little bit fat, even the hipsters. This is because everyone eats a burrito every day. The only skinny people in San Francisco are the Mexicans, who are responsible for making these burritos. This presents what scientists have dubbed "¡El Problemo Rediculoso de Burritos!"


Hipsters in New York look like scary cocaine vampires. Hipsters in San Francisco are fat and happy.


For five dollars you can get a burrito that is both the size and shape of your stomach. For those of us who are still too embarrassed to say "fish taco" out loud in public, this is the best deal you will ever find. Unfortunately, friends, the burrito situation in the Berkshires is grim. If you are in Lenox and you want a burrito you have to go the Betty's Pizza Shack, where they give you something resembling in size, shape, and smell a flaccid, sauce-covered wang. It costs nine dollars. Fuck that shit.


If you happen to find yourself in Great Barrington you can get a burrito at Azteca. They get the size and the shape right, but your burrito will be full of too much bland rice and not enough yum yums. Someone needs to tell them that this isn't Kripalu, Broheeeeem. For eight bucks I want half a damn cow in that 'rrito. Also, the woman who works there was mean to me.

Do you know where I can get a decent burrito around here? Please tell me. Please. 413some@gmail.com.

BURRITO UPDATE:
Rebecca and I got burritos from Athena II in Lenox yesterday. We also got a 12 pack of Pabst and rented Be Kind Rewind. It was a good day. The burritos, while tasty, were not composed in the traditional way. They were more akin to fajitas, thus earning several demerits. Also, PJ told me there's a burrito place in Pittsfield that supposed to be good, but he forgot what it's called.

All Famous People Look The Same (Look Like Me)

Now that I am an online sensation I have joined a long, proud lineage of very famous and virile young men who look quite similar in the ol' faceroo. Did we perhaps spring from a common genetic fountain of life, or have the luxuries of fame molded us into statues of perfection and success? I am not the one to answer this question. My only job at this point is to gaze wistfully toward the right of the computer screen and recline amongst the spoils of renown. Allow me to introduce you to some of my fellow celebrity look-alikes.

This man's name is Rod Stewart. He used to be married to a supermodel. But then he kicked her to the curb cause she was always yip-yappin' at him and, man, screw that noise.


This handsome fellow is named Ronnie Wood, and he's in a little band called the ROLLING FUCKING STONES. Mick Jagger used to cry because Ronnie was stealing all the babes. Life can be difficult sometimes.


Who is this fellow with those bewitching eyes?!? Why, it's Freddie Mercury, that's who! He rocked so hard that he got literally killed by fame (AIDS).


What can I say about Barry Manilow that hasn't already be said? Brilliant, angelic voice, Zeus-like handsomeness, hung like a Mongol. I could go on all day. And look at that coy little smile! No wonder he's maintained cultural relevance for so many years.


And, most importantly of all, there's THIS GUY! Someone has to carry the torch of having sunken eyes, a weak jaw, and a pronounced Jew nose. One at a time, ladies.

Grownups

Dear people who fucking love my blog, I've actually been busy at work this week, and thus haven't had the time to make a blog post of the caliber that you've come to expect, to crave. Until I get a free period (remember highschool!?!) and write some new stuff, please enjoy this entertaining Wikipedia page:
Lots of people getting badly hurt at an amusement park

Other things:
Ad misplacement

Party Animals

Pals, I have a friend who is so cool, so sexy, so hip that I'm hesitant to name-drop her out of fear of sounding like a star fucker. But what the hay. Her name is Mother Nature, and she is a MILF. Sometime the mad rat race of downtown Lenox, Massachusetts brings my blood to a boil, and I have to escape to nature.

I live in an urban hellscape.

The pressure is KILLING ME!

That's why my friend Ali and I decided to escape to the woods, kind of like in that movie "Into the Wild", except we didn't get torn apart by bears at the end and then get to hang out with Werner Herzog, or something like that. I was drunk when I saw it.

When we first arrived in nature we were scared and confused. We had so many questions. "What's that noise?" "What just crawled into my ear?" "Where's our bag of Quaaludes?" "Didn't they stop making Quaaludes in the 80s?" We were like children lost in the vastness of the wilderness from which we were spawned. To calm our nerves and hasten our communion with nature, we tried drinking.

It's always happy hour in the woods.

Ali and I were getting closer to becoming one with nature. To appease Mother Earth we honored her diversity. The wine was Australian, the cheese was Italian, Ali was Mexican, and the mosquitos were JAMAICAN ME CRAZY! Ali got whipped into such a frenzy that she tried making romance with a tree.

Ali is a dendropheliac.

Ali's amorous advances worked, and Mother Nature finally accepted us as her children. Did you know that when Mother Nature loves you and you're drunk that bears and squirrels and shit will totally fucking hang out with you!?! They will.

That deer was a total bro. I gave him my cell number so he could holler at me sometime. He gave me ticks. Animals are the coolest.

Guitario

Folks, my friend Mario is brilliant. He has proven that I am not the only one who is able to sloppily edit pictures of my friends' faces in order to document the excitement of their lives.

Here is a photo of the time Mario dick-blasted me in the face hole with a dild'. Boy was my face red!

Is your job so boring that you have the time to copy a photo from Facebook, paste it into Paint, draw all over it, chuckle to yourself when you realize just how clever you are, and then email it to me? I frickin' hope so, cause this pool is big enough for everyone. Come on in, the water is fine.

LOLKatz

Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war. I am referring to the threat posed by the freedom-haters at 41threesome.blogspot.com (note the similarities and subtle differences between their blog title and mine. I believe that this is no coincidence). They have attacked us because they hate our fun. I say you are either with us, or with the Rachel Katzes.

This is what their leader looks like. She is our worst enemy. She is also her own worst enemy. Think about that!

Remember that time Justin fuckin' annihilated that evil space unicorn with his eye lasers?

It was awesome.

Thank you Rebecca T. for submitting photos to 413some.


Do you want to see a poorly edited photo of yourself looking FUCKING AMAZING on 413some? Then send some interesting shit to 413some@gmail.com.

You Should be Jealous of Me

Why? Because I have so much fun that it is literally illegal (MA Penal Code A7.36-12). I have so much fun, in fact, that roughly half of California abandoned their lifestyle of delicious, plentiful burritos and loose hippie women and followed me to the Berkshires. 

Here is a photo of a San Francisco refugee. Her name is Rebecca, and she will melt your brain with her unbelievable ice cream. You: "Ice cream? Melt your brain? But that doesn't make sense!" Me: "Shhhhhhhhhhh. Just let it happen." You: "Now I feel uncomfortable." 

Rebecca once made ice cream that tasted like basil and earthquakes. This is what happened when we fed it to a cat.

This cat's name is Chester Copperpot, and he's fuckin' dead!

See this guy? His name is Nathan and he also lived in San Francisco. And that lady on the left? She's Becky, and she lived in LA. The one in the middle is Sydney. No one knows where she came from. She speaks a dialect not unlike that of the Gebusi of Papua New Guinea, but her skin is pale like a European's. Anthropologists are baffled. 

People of all sorts flock to me.

"But Andrew", you may inquire. "Have you not the power to attract people from America's great South, the land of mint juleps and slavery?" Well guess frickin' what! The lady on the left, yeah, that's Sally, and she's from Virginia. And the one on the right? That's Deja, and she's from the future!

Look! An ice cream sandwich!

This is what parties at BTF look like. BTF stands for Booty Too Fine (makes sassy hand gesture, then snaps fingers provocatively). I had so much fun at the BTF party that I climbed a magical bean pole just like Mario.

Except when I got back down to the floor, a mean lady was yelling at me. I didn't listen to her, though, because she smelled like queefs and Preparation H. I guess some people don't like fun. 

This is Adolph. He hated fun, and now he's dead.

If you love fun, you should email 413some@gmail.com and tell me about the fun things you do. 

Today's word of the day is INEPT: adj, Having no skill, clumsy. Example: The typing above is inconsistent in both color and size because Andrew is completely inept when it comes to writing a decent looking blog. He should be publicly beaten and ridiculed, and then fellated.

We Rock Hard!

Do you enjoy making sex? Then you'll love the music of Electro-Bandit. And, guess frickin what?!? They're playing a live FREE show at Rumpy's Tavern on Church St in Lenox tonight (Wednesday). The show starts at 10:00, which means you'll already be blacked out by 10:30, and will have already gotten to 5th base with a stranger by 11:45. The bartender, Troy, is a local fave. Tell him that 413some sent you, and he'll stare at you all confused.

Take an ear gander at Electro-Bandit's music.

I couldn't get a good photo of the band, so I'm going to attempt to draw their likeness with things on my keyboard:
Johnny Garrit

.'''''''''''''''''''. uullIuu
| _ _ | | O-O |
( u ) \ > /
\ O / ----
------

Well, that didn't work. Whatever. Go see their effin show already.

Being a Trendsetter is Exhausting

When I lived in San Francisco, I was the coolest person in the city because I rode a scooter (also called a "moped" or a "sex dragon"). But when I got back to the Berkshires, I found out that everyone has a scooter. I guess the trend that I set made its way from California to Massachusetts not unlike medical marijuana and Rice A Roni. Scooters are simply the must-have accessory of the summer.

This is what I look like when I ride my scooter through a rainbow.

I have had the following conversation over seven times:

Unbelievably Attractive Woman: Hi

Me: What do you want?

Unbelievably Attractive Woman: I couldn't help but notice how amazing you look while riding your sex dragon. Will you impregnate me?

Me: No

Allow me to now introduce you to some of the other Berkshires residents who have discovered that riding a scooter rockets you right to the top of the cool charts.

This is Garrit (to the right). Before he got a scooter, he was much shorter and his face looked like a butt. Now he is a total panty-dropper. Nathan (to the left) is his security guard.

This is Justin. Before he got a scooter he was as infertile as a mule. Now he has, like, 12 daughters. His loins are so full of life that his scooter itself is now pregnant. The child will probably be a lawnmower.

Justin introduced me to scooters. He is a true American hero.

Another way in which scooters are unbelievably incredible is that they use very little gas. Every time you don't ride a scooter, the terrorists win. Put that in your unpatriotic pipe and smoke it, Benedict Arnold!

If you have a scooter and would like to join BLO-ME (Berkshire League of Moped Enthusiasts), email a photo of yourself looking fucking amazing while riding or reclining on it to 413some@gmail.com.

Do You Enjoy Fun?

Me too! If your idea of fun is snorting an ounce of molly, slathering yourself in Vick's VapoRub, and dancing until you blackout and wake up in the back seat of a Plymouth owned by some guy who only identifies himself as Mr. Tsang, then you're weird. But if you enjoy dancing to house music and don't feel like Craig's List ride sharing your way to New York, come to Firefly on Church St in Lenox this Thursday at 10. Lenox Coffee family member Jerrid Coty is going to be spinning records until the wee hours, along with Bill Hartsig. Yeah, there's a $5 cover, but that includes an HJ. From me. Just kidding. Or am I? Yes. 

Q: If all ravers are Asian, and all Asians wear knee socks then, by logical extension, do all ravers wear knee socks? It's been a while since the SATs, hasn't it, hot shot?

A: If you answered "Yes", you are a racist!

Where Do You Get The Nerve?!?

It just occurred to me that some of you out there might take one look at this blog (which is slang for "big log", by the way) and say out loud to yourself, "Who is this Andrew character and where does he get the nerve to talk about having fun in the Berkshires? He is no authority on the subject. Surely he is ugly and has hepatitis. Let's harm him physically." Well to you I say *puts palms of hands against mouth and blows, creating hilarious fart sound*. 

To answer your question verbally, I can tell you that A) I grew up in the Berkshires and once almost ran for mayor of the Berkshires (my exploratory committee proved inconclusive). B) I am a very famous music video actor, and know more about fun and sexiness than your little nonfamous mind could ever hope to dream of processing. Don't believe me, eh? Well peep this. 

Warning: Sexiness of video may induce early labor in pregnant women, and may induce hilarity in the farcical notion of pregnant men. 

My name is Andrew, and I am famous

This is Yoav. He works for me.

Famous people like me often find themselves surrounded by babes. 

Here is a photo of me getting literally attacked by babes

Have You Ever Heard Music?

If you have ears and were not born deaf, you may have heard music. I personally enjoy it daily. Seeing live music is an excuse to stand around in your fanciest shirt and bum cigarettes from strangers. Some people choose to augment the experience with drinking. Join me in all of these activities and more tomorrow evening at Club Helsinki in Great Barrington. I will be playing music (yeah, I know it's open mic night and that anyone can play. Thanks for the passing judgment on me, Judge Reinhold!) along with my friend Johnny. Our names are hyperlinks. Click them to hear our respective musics. Andrew / Johnny.

This is my sampler. I use it to blow people's minds. If you come see me play, you should wear a mind helmet so you don't fucking die all over the place.

Join the 413some

Friends, this blog is for all of us. The young, the old (just kidding, old people are irrelevant), the gorgeous, the hideously disfigured (it's what's inside that counts, brohammer), and so on. Even Canadians are encouraged to enjoy 413some. Aside from being a place for me to post pictures of my drunk friends in that magical pre-morning-after-pill glow, I want to create a calendar of local events that might be of interest to you (me). So, if you know of anything interesting going on in or around the Berkshires, tell me. Got an art opening coming up? Is your totally sweet band playing at Dingus' Watering Hole in Hillsdale? Are you starring in a one man show written by an autistic, paraplegic Iraqi refugee with scrotal parasites? Email me at 413some@gmail.com, and if it sounds phun (that's how hippies spell "fun"), I'll post it right here.

These people are young, and they have been drinking.

"I'm in Love With Massachusetts" - J. Richman

Quite a cultural weekend, indeed. First of all, JT performed at Tanglewood on the 4th. No, idiot, not Justin Timberlake! JAMES TAYLOR! I nearly queefed by britches out of excitement. And, as the golden icing on a platinum fucking cake, John (nee Juan) Travolta was there, too! Mom said that Paul McCartney was somehow involved as well, but I was too busy hanging out with the kewl kidz to pay attention. I only had one word on my mind that night. Fireworks! And drinking! Ok, two words. Put them together and you get Drinkingworks. Yeah it does.

There were also some exciting art openings this weekend. The very famous and very blowable Michael Zelehoski has a solo show up at the Park Row Gallery in Chatham. Saturday's opening was a veritable who's who of me and my mom and my friend Nina, along with some other people I didn't know. The art was 'tastic, and the artichoke dip was resplendent. Scope Mike's skillz at right here. He also has  a piece in a show at the Storefront Artist Project in Pittsfield (a gorgeous portrait of yours truly. Really more of a study of the archetypical male form. In other words, thank you Mike Z for making me look f'able), which also opened this Saturday. I'm not sure how long that'll be showing for, but it's worth checking out, and is located at Fenn and First. 

Hello, I am Mike Z. Just kidding, I'm Andrew. But this is what Mike Z looks like.

How the heck do I post hyperlinks and photos? Damn you, internet! I am going to make my own internet, and it will be way better in the following ways: easier for me to use, more funny videos of newscasters messing up on live tv, I will be famous on it, free mojitos.