Pals, I have a friend who is so cool, so sexy, so hip that I'm hesitant to name-drop her out of fear of sounding like a star fucker. But what the hay. Her name is Mother Nature, and she is a MILF. Sometime the mad rat race of downtown Lenox, Massachusetts brings my blood to a boil, and I have to escape to nature.
I live in an urban hellscape.
The pressure is KILLING ME!
That's why my friend Ali and I decided to escape to the woods, kind of like in that movie "Into the Wild", except we didn't get torn apart by bears at the end and then get to hang out with Werner Herzog, or something like that. I was drunk when I saw it.
When we first arrived in nature we were scared and confused. We had so many questions. "What's that noise?" "What just crawled into my ear?" "Where's our bag of Quaaludes?" "Didn't they stop making Quaaludes in the 80s?" We were like children lost in the vastness of the wilderness from which we were spawned. To calm our nerves and hasten our communion with nature, we tried drinking.
It's always happy hour in the woods.
Ali and I were getting closer to becoming one with nature. To appease Mother Earth we honored her diversity. The wine was Australian, the cheese was Italian, Ali was Mexican, and the mosquitos were JAMAICAN ME CRAZY! Ali got whipped into such a frenzy that she tried making romance with a tree.
Ali is a dendropheliac.
Ali's amorous advances worked, and Mother Nature finally accepted us as her children. Did you know that when Mother Nature loves you and you're drunk that bears and squirrels and shit will totally fucking hang out with you!?! They will.
That deer was a total bro. I gave him my cell number so he could holler at me sometime. He gave me ticks. Animals are the coolest.